Polyamorous and a Survivor (Trigger Warning: Discussion of Rape)

When I was 17 I enjoyed life the way most "normal" teenagers in our society do, partying and living care free, without ever stopping to think about the circumstances I was living in. The fact my "cool" mom would not only allow me to get absolutely wasted but buy the alcohol and encourage my friends and I doesn't look so great in the light of day. That she would allow boys to sleep over and say or do things to pressure the idea of sex is now a crystal clear image of the environment that she was creating, an environment that made me an object. 

I have always been a very sexual person, I've been enjoying masturbating for as long as I can remember, and had decided to get  my virginity out of the way the year before (when I was 16), despite how much I enjoyed sex though I wasn't very active until much later on when I actually began dating Aaron, the boy I lost my virginity to. He began spending a lot of time with me and we were always having sex, I was enjoying experimenting and always trying new things. I was so wrapped up in my enjoyment of it all that I pushed away the things I see so clearly now. 

One day during the summer my mom and I won a raffle and received a Texas mickey of Crown Royal. Neither of us intended to drink any of it that night but she was more than happy to hand the bottle over to Aaron and the friend he had brought over later that night. They had a drink while we chatted for a bit, then she went to bed. After they had a couple more drinks Aaron and I went to my room where we had consensual sex, sex in which I consented to anal play (he used a toy to achieve double penetration) and thoroughly enjoyed it. When we were finished he told me he was going to have a smoke then would be coming to bed. I fell asleep. The next thing I knew I was in the basement on the floor already being penetrated from behind, I remained calm for about half a second until his friend slid onto the couch in front of me. I tried to get up but he firmly pressed against my back trying to coax me to stay, his friend now touching my back as well, sliding his hands over me making his way to my breasts. I told them to stop but they both tried to continue as if I had said nothing at all. His friend's penis threatening to reach my face I finally managed to break free from them. I ran upstairs and threw on some clothes, feeling as though what had just happened couldn't even be real. Aaron followed, he told me all the victim blaming shit and I believed him. 

I carried that around with me for years. I blamed myself, and the fact that everytime I told someone their focus was on the fact I couldn't remember how I got down the stairs or began "having sex" (their words, not mine) in the first place made me question my own account even more and scared to broach the subject with new people. 

Now as an adult who has acknowledged what happened as a rape and has become aware of and realized that I am polyamorous I am having such a hard time moving forward. I want to experiment more, I want to be in a relationship with a man other than my current boyfriend that I fell so hard for as the 3 of us all hung out but everytime I let my mind fall to the threesome I had been fantasizing about even remotely I become triggered by the thought of what happened, I remember that helpless feeling of being in that situation, I am stuck.

Does anyone else battle with the same type of issues? How do you cope with it?