Should I disclose it to him?

I have an amazing man whom I've been with for almost 3 years now and we've been talking about marriage. Possibly next year if all goes well.

Lets take things back to the year 2011. During my university years, I used to enjoy going out and partying with my friends. It was all fun and games until one horrific night when one of the guys we were out with forcefully raped me. We had been drinking that night and we were at his place. I screamed, kicked and cried but he was much stronger than I. So he overpowered me and raped me. I was still a virgin. I blamed myself fully for this at the time. I told myself that had I not been there, none of that would have happened. I mean we had been drinking that night and we were at his place. I was devastated.

That very same year, I was raped again by someone I considered a brother. He was my sister's boyfriend's friend. We had gone out together with my sister and her boyfriend. On our way back home (I had decided to leave the party earlier, so we left my sister and her boyfriend behind), the guy asked to go past his place to get something. I got out the car to use his bathroom and as I was getting ready to get back in the car he just changed and decided not to take me home. He locked the main house door and had his way. When he eventually stopped, the pillows were soaked in my tears. He began to cry and asked for forgiveness. I was livid. Was he psychotic? He took me home and I never told my sister. My soul was aching.

Two years later, I moved to a new town to further my studies. I had made a resolution to just focus on my studies and pay no attention to alcohol or "good times". One day after a period of hectic exams, one of my housemates whom we had grown very close invited me to hang out with some of her friends at their apartment. It was going to be a simple night so I agreed. It was great. We played board games, music, great chats and laughed. Although there was some alcohol involved, it was just innocent fun. Just what I needed. I took a liking to one of the guys there. He seemed very level-headed yet fun.

Two guys (one was Mr Level-headed) took us home early the next morning and they asked to sleepover to avoid traffic officers on the road. We agreed. It made sense. We had been drinking. And I mean these were good guys and my housemate knew them. While everyone fell asleep, me and Mr Level-headed stayed up chatting and playing some stupid trivia game. Whoever got the answers wrong would have a shot of Vodka. Looking back now, the whole point of the game was to get me drunk. I passed out during the 'game' and when I snapped out of it a few minutes later he was on top of me. This ruthless guy had penetrated me with no condom. I was horrified and pushed him away. His friend came in the room and they left.

At this point I felt like I had no reason to live. This was my fate. Three rape incidents and I never reported any one of them to the police or told my family. I felt like this was my fault and I had to deal with it. I mean what was I doing out there drinking with boys? That's my punishment. I picked myself up a few hours later though with the support of my housemate (now best friend). Went for HIV and pregnancy tests. They were both negative.

I eventually began to heal and gave it all to God.

A year later I received my gift. My wonderful man who loves me dearly like a man should. But what he doesn't know is that I am a rape survivor. I am scared that he will judge me (based on the circumstances of all 3 rape cases). I'm also scared that our sexual life will be affected by this as he may pity me and no longer see his precious pearl but damaged goods instead. Great as he is, he is a very conservative person who believes in things like "some things can be avoided" or "common sense". This is why I have not told him yet.

I believe in honesty and truth in relationships but do we have to be transparent about everything? Even things that you have left in your past? Even if I do tell him, would I have to go into detail? Sexual assault is not my truth, but I feel like I'm deceiving him by not telling him about it.

Ladies I don't know what to do...I'd appreciate your input.

Thank you