It sucks to be the outcast of the family... 😕

I need to vent. (Extremely long paragraph)

I've had enough and the only person on my side is my fiancé, I'm tired of dealing with my family.. especially my mum.. I'm going to post annonomously because there is stuff I am about to say that I don't want people knowing who I am. I live with my mum, stepdad, sister, brother and fiancé. Over the last 2 years I have no idea how I managed to go through every day and not resort back to cutting my wrists like I used to.. I have always been the child that is seen as a problem or the child that isn't wanted or loved and part of me feels that the reason is because of where I am from. My dad is a low life heroine addict and my mum detests him.. I don't look like him thankfully but then I don't look like her.. so maybe that's why? Maybe she just regrets making me because of my dad and everyday she is reminded of what she did.

My sister is a nasty, evil little child (she's 16) she is entitled, spoilt and just rotten. Her dad is in prison (my mum sure knows how to pick them) because he is a complete nut job, as a child he threatened to rape me and my mum for something I can't remember, he threatened to kill my mum and nan once he's out of prison etc and when my sister was younger.. He gave her EVERYTHING she wanted, be it a toy or clothes or money, she would get it, to the point where she started kicking up a fuss if she didn't get her way and now.. she is uncontrollable, she is verbally abusive, ask her a question and she'll jump down your throat for asking questions, she complains that she has no friends and I believe it's because of her horrible personality. Even tell her a joke about her, just a light hearted funny joke about her attitude and she will moan and say something like "Well actually!!! I do that because of so and so.."

My sister talks to my mum like a bit of shit, my mum called her while she was out the other week and had the phone on speaker and it went like this

Mum: "So where are you now?"

Sister: "Umm......... (long pause) I don't know!

Mum: "you must know where you are..?"

Sister: "Oh my god why do you need to know?! I'm outside County! (it's my old high school)

And then went on to call my mum plenty of names and be rude and if I was that rude I was be screamed at.. even the other day my mum caused an argument with me about sugar ffs.. she even got to the point where she was going to hit me, I also had to tell my mum to stand up to my sister and give her a hard time because my sister walks all over her, my sister was about to go to meet her friend at half 11 at night! Like I wasn't allowed out past 9pm at 17?? But she didn't ask if she was allowed, she demanded.. like swore and slammed doors and stomped because she was annoyed at my mum for something and my mum was going to let my sister use her as annoyed doormat.. so I had to tell my mum to put her foot down.

Now going on to my brother, he's actually okay.. I mean we get a long so much better than when in high school but he's my mums precious first born and her only son. He could punch my mum and she'd laugh it off.... example: I ate some chocolate that I didn't realise belonged to my mum, what happened? I was shouted at and my mum and stepdad both threatened to eat something of mine. So now everytime something goes missing food wise.. I get the blame! Yay (!) But when my precious brother eats something what happens? Oh mum laughs and jokingly calls him and pig and a knob or something.. I mean hmm... you see the issue here right? It's just a bit of chocolate and I get moaned at but he can do and eat whatever he wants and no one bats an eye lid. Today he told my mum that I opened a bag of lollies and ate them all and what happened then? She straight away came in and blamed me, didn't even ask. He could say that I smashed the TV after stuffing my face with magic mushrooms and she'd accuse me and believe him.

Now onto my stepdad.. he's been here for about 5 years now and I have had enough.. he's not like a normal dad figure, I'n grateful that he treats me like he would his own kids and that he's been there for me but since I've been growing up and I don't know... more of a woman? He's been creepy, it's been going on for years and I couldn't bring myself to break my mums heart like that because it seems like he's joking about it but it gets to a point when it's creepy and I hate it.. me and nd my family are weird anyway like we will do stupid things and make sexual jokes and innuendos in front of each other but when my mum isn't around he'll squidge my boobs and say 'ooh look at them knockers! Your gut sticks out further though!' Or he'll be like 'ooh hello there' but I can't exactly say it in his voice so you wouldn't understand that his tone is jokey. When I was 16-17.. I drank underage and came home so pissed that I could barely stand, surprise surprise.. my step dad comes to help me get in bed, he helped me into my pj's and I was so drunk I don't remember much after. A few years ago I was desperate for a baby and my stepdad told me that he will give me a baby because he hasn't got kids, so we both get what he want. He has never mentioned anything like that ever but because of all this shit.. I hate being alone with him, he's creepy and annoying and I feel nervous saying anything because I know he's going way too far but the recent stuff is all jokey but creepy at the same time so it will make things awkward.. I mean I thought about saying something but it makes things awkward. So I have no idea what to do.

I'm not asking for advice or anything.. I just need my thoughts out there because it's getting too much.. I hate living here 😢