I've been in an online relationship for about a year now with this guy. We do have quite a bit of an age difference. He is 9 years older than me. He also lives in a different state. I really liked him at first, but now my feelings for him are I guess you could say dying. He was very handsome, funny, and seemed sweet. I thought he was unique from other guys I had talked to. We would talk to each other almost every hour of the day when we first met. Eventually we formed a relationship. It was going good in the beginning. I had felt so lucky to have met this person. He did disappear on me without a trace twice, but eventually came back. I forgave him for that even though it did hurt me. But lately I've started to see a different side of him. He tends to get very angry over little things. He sent me pictures before, and I deleted them accidentally. He got so mad at me. He told me he'd never send pictures again, I must've hated them, I didn't like him, etc. He even threatened to break up with me. Not wanting to lose him, I begged him not to do that and kept telling him how sorry I was that that happened. He didn't forgive me. Eventually it simmered down. I've got medical issues. I've had several times where I have had to go to the hospital, and he wouldn't want to talk with me to help me stay calm. He'd just say he'd talk later and that I was going to be taken care of. Didn't want to stick around at all. That really hurt especially when I figure he's my boyfriend, and he's supposed to be there for me. Plus I was in excruciating pain. I had gallbladder surgery about a month after, but I've been back to the hospital recently, and he's done the same thing. One of the big time things that's really bothered me is what he did to me earlier this month. I had been sick for about 2 weeks, and I wanted to sleep because I hadn't been sleeping that well. He had tried to message me, but my phone ringer was off. He wanted to call me to talk 3-4 hours because he said he was available. When I woke up, I immediately responded, but I didn't hear from him until about 12 hours later. He was drunk. He changes when he drinks. He becomes rude and hurtful. He was saying how mad he was that I didn't answer, and didn't care at all when I said I was sick. He even knew I had been sick. He started saying we need a break, and maybe look for other people instead of having each other. He then came up with this joke that he had been seeing another girl where he lives around his age behind my back. He said he took her out, and they kissed. He told me he liked her and wanted to see her again. He even said he might go over to her house for the night to stay. He then sent me a picture of a topless woman he found off the internet. I didn't know whether to believe this or not. I kept trying to get him to admit it wasn't true, but he wouldn't budge. He wanted to keep me and her he told me. I told him no it wouldn't work like that. He then chose her over me, and I ended it. I wasn't staying with a cheater. I told him bye and good luck, and he went with it. I deleted messages, pictures, his number, and blocked it. Everything was gone. I went almost a day without speaking to him until I got weak. I messaged him, and he answered saying it was just a big joke he made up. He doesn't think it did any harm whatsoever even thought it was absolutely cruel. It hurt me. Very much. I told him he was different when he was drunk. He said sorry and that the person I was talking to wasn't the real him. I forgave him of course, but when I told him I deleted everything, all hell broke loose again. He told me I didn't care at all if I deleted everything after a day, and that he wasn't sending me anything for months, and also, he didn't want anything from me either. He tends to punish me. I told him that's what he was doing, but he said to not think of it like that. Not the first time he's done it. Instead of understanding why I did what I did, he wanted to get angry with me over it. His joke was totally inappropriate, yet he apparently didn't find any fault. He hardly ever tells me sorry. I'm serious. When I do something wrong, or when he thinks I do something wrong, I apologize to him even if I wasn't in the wrong. That has passed and we're together again. When he upsets me or gets upset with me, my body can't handle it. I get sick on my stomach and throw up or have diarrhea. I cry, shake, and get the sweats. I've even cut myself before over the things he's said which is completely stupid I know. I realize that I'm worth more. He doesn't like to listen to me vent when I'm depressed or upset. He rejects me and says he'll talk later. He says he can't "handle" my depressed thoughts because they'll make him feel bad. He's got depression too, but still I'd like him to listen. I thought boyfriends were supposed to do that? It makes me feel even worse knowing I'm alone with myself. He's the best friend I've got to be honest. I don't talk to any other people. He says I'm his only real friend too. He says he talks only to just me. The funny thing is that when I decided to split up from him the one time I did, I felt free and like weights had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt good, but the feeling of no longer having him there to talk with set in, and I went back to him. I think this relationship is tearing me down. It affecting me negatively. I'm beginning to see that, yet I still entertain it. He still gets onto me about when I decided to break from him saying "I could do it again easily." I tell him he's done it twice without warning before, but he doesn't include those because that was "in the beginning." He is not fair at all. It's like my way or the highway. I think he's manipulative and purposely does those things to hurt me. He knows he'll get some type of reaction from me. Another thing is he jokes about us meeting each other. He keeps saying he'll come to see me, but in the end it's just a big joke I tend to fall for. He says he doesn't know if we'll meet each other. He says he highly doubts it because he's got "reasons." I'm getting tired of this. The games and cruel jokes. I don't think we'll ever see each other, and I'm getting to where I don't want to be wasting my time when I could find someone real who will love me. I'm not sure if he actually loves me like he says he does. I don't know what he even talks to me for. He told me a few days ago he wants to keep this going for years. I was thinking to myself that I don't know if I could keep this shit up. I don't want to, but I said yeah of course. In the beginning, I would've been for it, but I want to break free again, but I'm afraid. I get a scared feeling inside of me when I am close to doing it. I always back out. I can never go through with it. I don't know what to do. What are your thoughts on this? I know you can't trust online people, but I always had the hope to meet this guy. I don't anymore. Maybe I'm being catfished. Anyway, I know I want out, but don't know how to do it. I guess I am afraid of being alone because we talk everyday, and he's around most of the time. I've started to want something real. Please don't be rude to me. I realize I never should've gotten into this. Sorry this is so long too! 😅 I wanted to add highlights I thought were important.