Just lost and need to get it all off my chest.
I always do the polls, and my logs, and comment when I feel I can help. I never make posts but today I am just feeling so lost and broken. I truly don't know what to do. I have been married for a year and half almost to be exact and I just feel so broken. It's the only way I can think to describe it. Marriage isn't easy as I always knew that but it feels like it's so much harder when you feel like you're the only one fighting to keep it all together. When you're the only one with a job and paying bills. When you're home everyday after work and every night while he is at the same bar doing nothing but playing darts and drinking a few. Or is at his friends house all day long. Coming home from either of these after midnight and well into the am. And then he makes you feel bad like it's your fault because he doesn't want to be at home. Like he would rather be anywhere else but here. Simply because we can't afford our own place and are renting a room from my mom. When he and your moms husband don't get along and just make matters worse. And then he uses that as another excuse not to be here. When we married I never imagined it would be like this, were young so it was tough but we were in love and happy and never wanted to be apart. And now everything just feels so ugly. And you can't tell him anything anymore because he just gets upset and leaves anyways because he does whatever he wants to do when he wants to do it. Nobody is going to tell him what to do, so now when it's 10pm and he starts getting ready and you ask why and he says because he's going out you just shut down, stare blankly and say okay. He gives you a little cold shoulder cause he thinks you're giving him attitude but that's not the case. You just don't know what else to say or do anymore and even if you did it wouldn't matter. So he kisses you goodbye and tells you he loves you and then he leaves. You lay there in bed and start to cry because you don't know how things got this way. You lay there wondering what time he'll be home tonight. 12? 1? 2? Who knows. You wonder is this how married men are supposed to act? Is this what you signed up for? Are you exhausted of being the strong one? And you admit defeat because you are. You're tired, you're done but you don't want to be. You love him, you love him more than anything in the world, you still light up when he walks in the room and you still get butterflies when he comes home and it hurts you to think of divorce. It physically makes you sick to where you vomit. And you think do I still deserve the world? Or do I deserve this? Did I do something to feel this alone and dead inside? Where has my best friend gone? Is he even the same person anymore? Is it time to let go? You've never been a quitter but you don't know what your options are anymore. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? Broke and alone. With a husband who doesn't even act like a husband. You wonder and think of that small glimmer of light, 'maybe it's just a phase cause we're so young. Maybe he'll grow out of it and you just need to stick it out. But you're not sure. What if you do but there's never an end and you blink and your whole life has passed by as this miserable piece of nothing. Again you think is it time to let go? You have no kids, maybe it would be easy. You know it would hurt but maybe you need to stop putting everyone above you and do what's best for you for once. And then you think maybe I'll bring it up to him tell him how I'm feeling and I need to see a big change to move forward together. But then a blinding thought barrels through...he says he doesn't want to change. He's fine with this life or maybe he's just feeling done too? You don't know why, you treat him like a king, you're there for him in every way and more. And the thought that he could agree with you and say maybe this is it for us practically kills you inside. It hurts so much. You lay there with all these thought bouncing around until you fall asleep alone in bed like you do every night. Cause in the morning you have to get up and keep going and do it all over again.
Sorry it's so long, if you read it thank you.
Alone, lost and broken.
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