hey ladies! i am in such a weird state of mind sorry for the long post... so my boyfriend of 18 months broke up with me around 2 months ago..  this is the man of my dreams. i met him so unexpectadly and we automatically clicked. i even asked him a few weeks into dating; he said it was like cupid shot him with an arrow and it melted my heart.. gosh he made me the happiest girl in the world💙 he helped me feel beautiful and we worked out together and went out to eat and little coffee dates all the time and listen to loud music and sing super loud and take walks and hold hands; just those little things you under estimate sometimes, or take for granted. fast forward a few months, falling father in love and seeing beauty in eachothers flaws everyday. i get seasonal deppression. regardless how absolutly happy and full of joy i was, seasonal depression is something only those who suffer from will fully understand. you feel empty all the time and the lonliness is scary.. so during the winter months, i go on antidepressants. now he comes from a very strong family and doesnt back the medecine up 100% but he understood why i would have them and supported me. so i made an appointment in november and got my prescription. they take awhile to kick in and always take about a month or so for me to tell of they are "working" or making things intensified and worse. these took a long time to get in my system snd those side effects were terrible. i was moody as fuck, beyond irritable, hungry all the time, crying all the time, feeling like i was going out of control... i couldnt stop it. but this was a month ish in and he could tell a change but i kept saying and saying to myself that they would kick in soon...i was sad. i was sad and depression and my anxiety was out of the roof. on top of that, i had gotten in a car accident with him luckily the worst that came out of that was a broken hand. anyway. fast forward again to march. i was still on this medicine. and i was a mess. and he was still there. he stayed through all this bullshit. then i decided to slowly wean myself off them...that was bad. its almost worse trying  to adjust coming off than on with antidepressants. my man..saw me go though hell and back and still here. then things got better. we took a trip right after a year and a half together and it was incredible. amazing and smiles the whole trip; so in love...then when i came home my world shattered. man of my dreams broke up with me because of my emotional state a few months earlier. then it all came back and i got sad again. before, we went the whole nine yards. i lost my viginity to him; i wanted to save it for someone special. we talked about marriage and my dress and where the wedding would be, how many kids we want, planning a beautiful future together. i adore that beautiful human... 2 months later still heartbroken. i met my soul mate and watched him leave right in front of me...i dont think i will ever date again. relationships either end in heartbreak or marriage and i dont know which one scares me more. thanks for reading if you made it this far, just needed to get some stuff off my chest😓