After a couple years I started to become more aware of how I was making excuses for myself. I became educated. I researched how my body worked and what it NEEDED to do good things in return.  I started to cut out refined sugars, processed foods, and eventually meats and dairy. Above all else I began to prioritize my well being. NOTE: I did not say I becan to prioritize my weight loss. This was never about weight for me. 

I used to think that the number on the scale was inherently quantifiable to my value. I now see that I am healthier now than I was when I was lighter, and when I was larger. This means it's not the number, it's each individual body and it's beautiful composition for YOU as an individual. 

I am currently (and in the final photo) a muscular 144 pounds. I have more energy and I can eat non stop and my body feels great!

I need to be honest with you women though. My feelings about my body have not changed much since the very beginning. As a matter of fact, I feel much different now and before I have anyone attack me for "compliment searching" or "asking for it" hear me out:

When you're a big girl, everyday actions aren't the same as everyone else. Our thighs, they touch all damn day. It's a reminder that I TAKE UP THIS SPACE. when I used to sleep, everything was soft and comfortable.... I wake up with bruised knees and hips because I simply don't know how to exist like this. I lost my modelling contract because, like most women, I'm now at an average weight, which sadly is not where models need to be. I am not overly upset about losing the contract as I have a profession and I understand I am doing this for my health and not media, but with all the physical changes comes a new mental journey as well: I have to be introduced, acquainted, and somehow fall back in love with a body I do not know anymore. I have aches that didn't exist before because I was strong. When you lug around 113 extra pounds, you are fucking strong. I was so confident and reassured in my own power when I was bigger, than I could have never prepared myself for how scared and weak I constantly feel now. I feel less safe alone at night. I feel less able to protect myself. I feel more likely to get hurt. I feel lost in this shell. Even my personality doesn't match my body. I compensated for my curves with a booming personality to match: everything from my mannerisms to my sense of humour was a result of faking confidence so no one called out my body that I didn't love. Over the 20 years I existed as a bigger girl, this confidence began this stick. I was good at sport. I was strong. I was powerful. People respected me in ways some of my friends weren't - because I had a big personality to match my big body. 

So this is where I am now: I love and respect the amazing things my body has given to and done for me. Through the ups and downs I appreciate that it has never let me fall without consequently letting me get right back up. But I am not in love. I do not feel at home here. 

Please do not begin or continue these journies with the delusion that your happiness is waiting in a package for your arrival at your final destination. Always know that with each change is an opportunity to fall back in love with the new you, the changing you, the you that has always existed, and the you that will come. 

 

Ido realize what an accomplishment I have achieved, but I want more so to share with likeminded women that my most deeply rooted insecurity has NOT gone away even though 250 pound me would have gawked over who I am now. 

I'm trying to work backwards ... loving my body AFTER changing it, but  self-love reveals itself everyday that I continue to see value in myself beyond the shell of my persona. My body is just a vessel for this life so I must make it a comfortable home for now. 

I am so proud to hear all these stories of triumph! 

The key to success is to keep on going!

You make a mistake? Resume and keep going. 

You couldn't stop yourself that cheesecake was too damn tempting? It's alright girl! Move onward! 

Because here's the thing:

We all have choices. 

We can chose to move 

Onwards

Forwards

Or we can choose to be 

Cowards. 

You accidentally ate the whole box of pot of gold milk chocolates and feel guilty? Shit me too, let's make sure to not feel this way again. We push onwards.