I wasn't going to write this, but honestly I think it will be therapeutic for me. My birth story is not at all what I thought it would be, and sometimes I look back on it and it's like almost a passive experience, like I watched someone else's birth or something! That feeling makes me really sad, but I'm starting to come to terms with it. My first baby was due on November 30, but was born on October 24 at 34 weeks gestation.

So I had a completely average pregnancy. I was big for how far I was, always measuring a week or two ahead. I thought the baby would be early but not much! I was starting to get uncomfortable, but never had what I assumed a contraction would be. I was noticing lots of pressure in my pelvic area, but had read that was normal and I was going to start having my cervix checked at my next weekly appointment. I woke up at 11:45 pm thinking I had to use the bathroom, and on my short walk there fluid leaked out. I thought it was pee, so my husband and I had a good laugh about it while we cleaned up and went back to bed. About fifteen minutes later I had the same feeling and more fluid came out when I stood. We called the nurse hotline and they told us to come in because it could be my water breaking. I had just packed the hospital bag literally the day before, and we grabbed it thinking of nothing else it was a good practice run.

So we get checked in and the nurse checked the fluid and said yup that's your water and you are in labor. I was 3 cm dialated at 80% effaced! I still had no contractions, just pressure. So in a daze I put on the gown and was told because I had premature rupture of membranes, I would have to stay in bed during labor because of a risk of prolapsed cord. I was devastated by this (my husband and I had taken multiple natural birth classes and I wanted to go medication free). I also had to have the iv of antibiotics immediately since I never had the hep b test. So i laid in bed and my contractions started around 1:30 am. I was able to breathe through them and they built in strength gradually, so I also kind of felt prepped for them as they got stronger and stronger. If you've ever had electric stimulation for muscle therapy, that's exactly what it felt like to me. A nicu nurse came in and told us what to be ready for with our 34 week baby- including the possibility that he or she might come out not breathing. I was further devastated by that.

Around 4 am I started getting unbearable back pain. Since I couldnt get out of bed and use the massage and moving techniques I'd been taught, it was horrible. Later, we'd find out my daughter was

face up and I was having back labor. Around 7 am the doctors switched and the new on call doctor gave me permission to get up. I was about 5 cm and this time. I went for a walk and bounced on the peanut ball for a while, and when I was checked again I was at 7 cm.

Around 8 am I couldn't handle the back pain anymore, it was crippling to me and I lost focus on the contractions and could only think about how bad my back hurt. I felt the back pain was hindering my ability to labor, so I opted to get the epidural. I felt like I tried long enough without it, and to this day I believe it was the right choice. Epidural was in around 9 and I was able to rest. Sometime around 10 I was 10 cm dialated, and the nurse said we would call the doctor after they checked how I push. I have her a practice push and she immediately said okay I'm calling the doctor. And this was the worst part of my labor because I wanted to push! Trying to repress the urge was not comfortable! In fact your body just involuntarily does it! The doctor got there around 11 and was able to start pushing. 20 minutes later my daughter was born- crying thank goodness!

Her apgar scores were excellent, but shortly after birth she was taken the the NICU where she would spend the next 12 days. She had IV fluids and respiratory support for two days, and the rest of the time was spent working up her feeding. I am so grateful for the miracles that modern technology and doctors and nurses can do.

I have no explaination for why I went into labor early. My first week as a mom was spent only getting to hold my daughter sporadically. On my second night at the hospital one of the attending nurses asked where my baby was- I know she didn't mean it hurt fully but it hurt to have to say outloud she's in the NICU. I felt such a loss as a mother- it's hard to describe. I hope I don't sound ungrateful because I know we were extremely lucky and blessed with how things worked out. But the baby I felt kicking in me was now in a warmer and I could only pick her up at a certain time for a certain amount of time with the supervision of a nurse. The second week was spent commuting to the hospital for 12-16 hours a day. I felt inadequate and like I failed my daughter for not being able to take care of her for longer. Thankfully she was a natural born fighter and we did not have too long of a stay. I have such an affinity for the special people who work at the NICU now or who have had a premmie: But she came when she wanted to and I was not in control! And I'm still not lol. Crazy how these little ones change your life!

We brought her home on day 12 and I finally felt like mom! Like I could finally bond with her and it's been blissful ever since.

Definitely not the birth story I thought I would have to tell! But my little girl is so incredibly worth it! I guess I just wanted to tell it because it's not what I always pictured! Thanks for reading!

Here she is, born at 11:19 am 6 pounds and 19 inches!

Our perfect and beautiful girl❤