HELP PLEASE!!! Fallen out of love with my LDR.

I've been in an online relationship with my boyfriend for a year now. We have never met, but I guess we would sometime in the future. Not entirely sure because it doesn't seem like he wants to put in the effort. We live in different states. We have an age gap too. I was head over heels in love when we first met. I thought we had this unique connection and everything, but stuff started to sour later on when he began to get manipulative and cold. He'd get mad at me over little petty things such as when I was sick one day and decided to sleep to try and feel better. He had called my phone, but because I was asleep, I didn't hear it ringing. He got angry with me because he told me we could've talked for 3-4 hours. I didn't hear from him until midnight when he was damn drunk. He was pissed at me and was being mean. That was when he decided to play the cheating joke on me. He said he'd taken out this other woman where he lives, and they kissed each other. He also said he was going to go stay at her house because she wanted him to. He even sent me a fake picture of a topless woman he found on the internet. This is probably one of the cruelest things I've had to deal with. He wouldn't even tell me it was a joke until after I came back after I broke up with him over it. I felt so relieved when I broke up. I felt good, but I got afraid of being alone, so I went back to him. Just recently I broke up with him again because I decided I just couldn't do this anymore. The not meeting thing and also his manipulative ways were more than I could handle. I deserved better. I needed to be loved and treated with respect. I told him I was sorry and couldn't do it anymore through text. Then I was gone. I deleted everything of him. God I felt great. I felt free and happy. I was gone for a day and was planning to stay away until he phoned me. He cried when I answered. My heart sank, and I felt so guilty. He told me he'd been crying, it felt like I had been gone for a week, he felt so lonely and depressed, etc. I felt like I was an awful person to cause him that pain. I told him lies. I told him I cried over him, was thinking of him, regretted breaking up, I'd never ditch him again, and I wanted to get back together. I didn't really. I just felt so bad because I hurt him a lot. We got back together last Friday or Saturday, but I'm finding I'm not happy. I want to be free again, but I know I'll hurt him again. Probably even worse. This is getting boring for me now because we talk about the same old things. Sex is probably the most talked about topic, and I want something fresh, but that won't happen. It's like if there was no talk of sex, the relationship would die. I don't even enjoy phone calls anymore or texting him. I can go hours and probably a day without saying anything at all. I know I may sound cruel, but you've no clue what I have put up with him. He's the reason I cut myself. He didn't care about my feelings. He'd never apologize to me when I said he hurt me. He'd always turn things around on me. He'd never hear me out when I was upset or depressed. He'd just tell me he'd talk later when I was ok and leave me alone. He wouldn't even comfort me when I was going to the hospital in excruciating pain SEVERAL TIMES. And also he blames me for breaking up. Like how could I do that after we've been through so much and been together so long, and I must've not have loved him, or he didn't mean anything at all to me, and I was just a big liar with all the things I said. Fuck. Please help me. I want to leave and be done because the spark that was there a long time ago is no longer present. I'm getting tired of doing this.