Advice : I recently discovered my boyfriends secret life.... please have an open mind...

Let me start off by saying that I love this man unconditionally, always have. Going to try to be brief with the backstory though. ..

High school sweetheart. ... he had issues -(@the time he was told his life expectancy was 26 (thanks to medical progress, we're both almost 30, and he's healthier than the avg adult our age)) and we were on/off.

I got knocked up my senior year during an off/rebound.

Decided he was too good to be tied down with a kid... disappeared. .. we both assumed the other wanted nothing to do with us b/c the other was too "good"for me... several awkward, adorable, nervous attempts failed to get back together over 8 years.

I became an addict, hadn't spoken to him in almost 2 years bc I was embarrassed about the state of my life, but he was one of like 2 people on the entire earth who's opinion I cared about --so you just shout it out.

He was my light from rock bottom. I had warrents in 3 counties, owed like 1500 in fees to my lawyer, My car died, I lost my job, and my dad was giving me another loving ultimatum, I had destroyed the rest of my family ties, my BFF hated me, I gambled whatever money I hadn't spent on drugs, I was getting kicked out of the Army reserves for drug abuse, and I really didn't even have crappy friends, let alone trustworthy ones -- I had zero. All in 3 days. ..

He randomly called because he needed a date to go stay at his bffs house..

I went the weekend with him, I was coming diwn, he had no idea and I'm sure I was all out of sorts trying to "be cool". And he just supported me, never asked... I told him 2 weeks later and we continued my journey of never looking back. It's been great

(So much for brief)

Anyway. .. now I'm the breadwinner for us, pay most of the bills and am slowly undoing all my past mistakes -- were happy. .. or were.

His parents divorced after 30 years and ruined his entire foundation for love, trust, self esteem. .. basically life in general. ...(note : never stay for the kids.... this has been deprimental for him, and he doesn't feel like he can grieve or talk about it because he's too old and it shouldn't matter " it's dumb")...

He's always bottled emotions (I try)

And lately I've noticed that he's pouring through the booze

Taking cold pills by the sleeve. ..

Ect...

I work nights and I know that's not helping, I'm trying to fix it but can't leave my job, I make more than double him and we don't have that much Savings yet... no where pays as much as my current place, I've been trying.

I asked him about it and it became clear that he hadn't even acknowledged the problem with himself yet....

Then he began to hide it from me ....

And you know that feeling when someone lies to you. ....

Plus he's got no self esteem now, so I catch fights over the dumbest things, he always thinks I'm cheating. .. one night I left my Facebook messages on his laptop... so we argued about what I said to someone 3 years ago.... before we were dating again. ...

But I can see the hurt.... and it hurts me.

The other day, I thought he had a 2nd active cellphone and lost my mind pouring through it... not typically me, but he's been hiding so much lately... and they always say the accuser is guilty of the accusation, and just saying things that reflect their own guilt....

And I found

Tranny dating sites...

Craigslist casual encounters with males dressed like females that he's responded to

And one where he want far enough to ask when he/she was willing to play ...

Now the conversation ended there. I don't think he was ever with or even talking to someone seriously. .. more of an exploration. ...

In fact when I confronted him about it, I was oddly okay with it...

Even offered to get a strap on and role play if that would help him stay faithful to me...

Unconditional love is very real, and very confusing sometimes I think. I was actually even a little happy after the intial shock.... we can be even more intimate if I know your darkest secrets...

I'm a very non judging person....

I've known for a while that he steals and wears my panties sometimes, and thanks to a message board I came to understand that that wasn't that weird. .. it's just so ILLEGAL how could it not turn you on?

So, he doesn't know I know that, why steal the exhilaration that makes it fun?...

But after the fact...

I'm concerned ... I'mnot sure if he can go a day without any booze or pills or whatever weird mind-altering stuff he comes up with. ...

And since I pointed it out, he just hides it....

But, mostly I'm afraid that I'm just his cover up for the life he really wants to live, think the black girl in the orange is the new black....

Or the old man from the amazon show transparent. ...

And I don't want to try to rebuild this relationship to be turned upside-down 20 years from now. ..

I don't want to leave him if it's just curious. .... I love him unconditionally .....

He's so embarrassed by it he won't talk about it....

And I just don't know what...

I thought I was okay, we just needed to work on some things .... but now I don't think I am... I spent 2 hours in the bathtub last night because I wasn't ready to come to bed because. ...

Suddenly, I'm not sure how I feel.