I'm one of those people who deal with other people's problems and put them before my own... And I have been needing to deal with my problems for a long while now... But I don't know how to deal with them. Last time I tried deal with my problems was back when I was 11/12 and now I am 15/16, and I use to hurt myself because it was the only way I could think if dealing with my problems and I've been bottling things up... And I'm suffering with depression and really bad anxiety (haven't been to a doc to be diagnosed or anything like that because I don't like doctors)... This whole year for me hasn't been good... Back in May, I lost 6 of my family members... And I never dealt with it... I have a caring and really sweet boyfriend who I know will always be there for me when I need him... But he's in the process of moving and won't have any internet for a week... So right now I'm alone... I can't talk to my parents because they always judge me because "there's always some kind of problem with you" or "your always looking for attention"... And my friends are off on vacation and for a while I have been pushing them away...

My parents are controlling my entire life... I literally can't do anything without them there... And they see me doing things like becoming an artist... When I actually want to be a doctor... And every time I bring up me wanting to be a doctor they say you wouldn't last and that you will fail you have a higher chance at becoming an artist so you will focus on that... And I just go with what they say because I can't do anything... And I am bi and my parents always says that a person can only be one way or the other and in my case if your lesbian then I will disown you... The only person who knows I am bi is my boyfriend because he accepts me for who I am... My friends on the other hand are like my parents...

And for a while I have been having nightmares about my boyfriend leaving me for someone who can actually be there with him when he needs them and someone who he can hang out with... And everything is too good to be true... And every time something good happens to me it always seems to be taken away from me... I haven't seen my boyfriend since June... And ever since then there have been some bad disagreements/arguments... And I love him, he means everything to me. We have been together for almost 10 months...And he always tells me that he won't leave me...But I'm still scared that I am gonna lose him...

And recently I lost someone I knew... And I never dealt with it... I bottled it up inside... And I have nightmares about what could of happened to him...as if I am the one in the car and I feel the pain he could have felt... He died from a snow plow... He was a passenger... And his best friend was the driver and he got out with some cuts... And I got some gifts for my friend for Christmas... And they are still in my closet...

Idk what to do... I'm an emotional mess... I've tried writing stuff down in a journal like I have been doing since I was 10 but it doesn't seem to be working... Do you guys have any tips or like any advice to help me get through this?

Thanks for anyone who read this far and sorry that it is so long and if I rambled