Plz don't judge me, just expressing my feelings. I'm 12 weeks with my first baby. I think I need to see a therapist, but first wanted to see if anyone could relate. First, I'm so blessed and thankful I got pregnant naturally with PCOS. I want a healthy pregnancy and baby. However, I feel overwhelmingly sad or angry all the time. I feel no connection to this baby. I'm not excited about shopping for it, in fact, it stresses me out. I really thought I'd have a girl (stupid I know), bc my mom passed away and she was my best friend and I wanted a piece of her back. I have no living blood-related relatives; it's just me. But, every old wives tale and ultrasound pic lean boy. I keep dreaming about a baby boy and I'm so convinced it's a boy that I won't even look up baby girl names. I have had horrible relationships with men my entire life. My father is an attempted murderer and raging, violent alcoholic who abused me as a child. My first bf was abusive and this baby's father gets enraged and the look in his eyes scares me and reminds me of past abuse. I don't want to look at my baby boy and be reminded of these "men." If I knew I'd have these feelings while pregnant, I would have never gotten pregnant. I did not have these feelings prior. Now, my bf who wants a boy, knows my feelings and is really sad about it. He keeps rubbing my belly, asks to hear his heartbeat on the doppler every day, and even keeps asking to take belly pics for me. I don't want him near me and I could care less about any of it. Honestly, my biggest concern is now that pregnancy will somehow kill me bc my body won't be able to handle it eventually. I'm a physical and emotional mess. Thoughts?