I want to take a minute to admit to everyone that I don't feel like a very good mother. And here's why.

I had a semi-mindful pregnancy, not unlike most women who vow to eat a salad for lunch every day yet somehow end up with a pint of ice cream in their lap.

I thought I was planning a pregnancy with the man I was going to spend my life with but something in him changed when I got the positive and we've had problems ever since. Real, call the police and drop the charges a couple times problems. Through that I was working 12 hours a day 6/7 days a week at a Postal warehouse and my stubborn ass decided not to go on light duty. So here I am; big bellied, bruised, overworked, and stressed. I don't say that to gain anyone's sympathy for what I'm about to tell you, I simply ask for a little understanding and maybe some compassion. Life isn't ideal. It isn't easy. And as much as I try to change for the better things still feel shitty.

Pretty much every day of my pregnancy I went over my caffeine limit by a lot. I'm talking a Rockstar+5hour energy just to start off the day. I skipped my doctors appointments for about 3 months and I made a post about that back in July that received A LOT of hate from the glow community. After one particularly bad incident with my baby's father I started smoking, and I got through half of a pack before I stopped.

Aurora was born healthy in every way, and weighed 9lbs 3oz. She's 22 weeks old now and has never had more than a cold. I'm so truly blessed and I love her beyond reason.

I feel like a horrible mother because I want to keep our family together. Aurora has a step brother and I love him as my own son. I want the four of us together no matter what it takes but my relationship with their father is so toxic. I know it is, and I don't know what the high road is anymore. I feel like a failure because I never saw this coming from him and I haven't been able to change him back to the sweet heart I fell in love with.