In the begining we had trouble getting an effective latch. A couple days later when my milk just started coming in, my lil one had already become dehydrated combined with elevated bilirubin -jaundice. A weekend followed in the NICU where he took light treatment and my milk via bottle. When I was able to nurse I was given a nipple shield to compensate for my flat nipples. Returning home as nervous parents we continued to supplement bottled breastmilk a couple times a day as well as my breastfeeding. Bottle feeding became a convinient necessity a) so I can get a few extra hours sleep while dad takes over, and b) any time I need to go out with baby for doctors or errands. Finding a place to breastfeed in the winter while out is impossible, and without a car we can't even do groceries without needing to stop for a feed. Now my son has developed a shallow latch and breastfeeding has become a painful and stressful experience for both. He cries and screams as I try to adjust him. I start by pumping a bit, then re-adjust he and I's position a few times, baiting and switching with the shield or not. He always ends up with just the tip of my nipple and neither of us feeling satisfied. Now I've "banished the bottle" to help correct this shallow latch, meaning I never get more than an hour sleep at a time, most of which is spent cringing from pulsing nipple pain. I dread the sight of my son now when he's hungry. Every feeding last up to two hours, and half an hour cuddle to fall asleep, then my mind won't let me rest for an hour. At which point, I begin to fall asleep and he is hungry again. Where the hell is a baby supposed to sleep 18 hours a day I can't imagine with 10 to 12 hours feeding plus diapers, bathing and play time!?!?!

All I want is a normal feeding where he latches, feeds, goes to sleep. It was like this for a while. Every now and then he does well without all the extra prep. Sometimes he even sleeps longer stretches, but never at night. But now it's like he's unlearned all the right ways to feed. I've heard some women use a nipple shield for months if not the entire time they breastfeed. I just can't handle the idea of that. Wherever we go, whatever we do, having to carry that dreadful piece of plastic.

I don't want to give up on breastfeeding, but I'm so discouraged that I want nothing to do with feeding at all.

Seeing a lactation consultant again tomorrow, but there's nothing new she can tell me I don't already know and have tried. I think I'll just get the damn shield grafted into my breast and live with crippling pain then.