We lost our baby officially at 8 weeks. After hearing and seeing its tiny heartbeat just a week prior. There was no warning whatsoever...the heart just stopped. I will never forget the technician's face as he said the words..."I don't want to sugarcoat this, but there's no heartbeat." I felt like my own heart shattered into a million pieces at that moment, yet somehow, it just kept on beating. Over the next few weeks, waves of despair would follow, as my body reluctantly retained the pregnancy for what seemed like forever. But, then again, all increments of time seemed to have stopped since that day. My HcG level did not drop nor had I begun bleeding yet, in fact, my body was still producing pregnancy symptoms more than ever now. My husband and I went for our final sonogram a week later and although we knew it was over deep down, I think part of us were wishing for a miracle instead. I was given the dreaded three options and we decided to have a d&c procedure that week for variegated reasons. Because I needed to end the pregnancy sooner rather than later; the anguish I felt in having to carry my deceased baby inside me; the emotional pain was insurmountable. Because having been through a natural miscarriage nearly 11 years ago was enough to deter me from ever wanting to go through another in that capacity; it was a bit of a horrific experience. Because we want to continue TTC when my body is healthy enough again; after being 2.5 months along and knowing how long it can take to reset your cycle and hormones, we would be losing precious time and it was necessary to move on swiftly. Because it was about a week prior to Christmas and in order for us to have any semblance of a holiday to celebrate, it needed to be done quickly. (But admittedly, there was a fake smile plastered upon my face, as the last thing I felt like doing was celebrating.) And lastly, because we had conceived from <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> procedure and that process alone can be grueling and tedious...we won't just get pregnant again with a "snap of the fingers" as much as we hope and pray for it, so we will more than likely be forced to go that route again and timing will be another factor for us. (It always is) Yesterday was rough, as it would have been 12 weeks and thus safe to make announcements to all family, friends, etc. And here I was at my RE, finding myself fighting back the tears as I received an email notification from "The Bump"congratulating me on the 3 month progress...just as I'm waiting to have my beta test to monitor my decreasing HCG level. To add insult to injury, I just had to overhear a couple behind me being congratulated as they can now move onto their OB. Everything was progressing for them in their pregnancy journey and I legitimately hated them at that moment...just 4 weeks prior, we were that couple beaming with excitement...only instead of us graduating to the OB, we were faced with a decision of how to end our pregnancy journey. I could feel my throat closing up and the stinging in my eyes that was often a prelude to what was coming next...So I quickly paid for my visit, all the while anticipating my escape from this office. And I ran to my car and just exploded into tears. As I sat there numb for a few moments, I began to wonder why everything was intent on reminding me of the loss today? And hadn't I suffered enough already? But I allowed myself to grieve again for I know that this process is far from over, even if only it is physically. I will have my good days and I will have my bad and I probably won't talk about it as much as I should. I have heard that talking about it is cathartic for your soul and love/support from family& friends is a necessary part of the process. Perhaps I need to reach out to people more, but I've never been one to burden others with my feelings and problems. Instead I have found that my emotional outlet has always been through writing, as I've never been great at verbalizing them. And I also realize that I will be triggered at times and that it's okay to recognize and grieve if deemed necessary, as it's all a part of the healing process...I just cannot dwell in those feelings for it will consume me thoroughly. My New Years resolution, should I actually keep one this year, is to be more gentle with myself and to let go of the things I can't control. After all, I am doing the best I can and that should be...no, that is enough.

Thanks for reading. Baby dust to all. XX