This is probably going to be a wall of text, but I feel like I am losing my mind and I just need to get it out there even if no one takes the time to read or has any advice or even if it doesn't really make sense.

There is this guy that I met in high school who I was instantly attracted to. The more I got to know him, the more that grew and soon I didn't just think he was cute, it was a full blown crush. However, the friend that I met him through had told me even before I met him that she had a crush on him, and so I figured since it was just high school anyways and I didn't even plan on being around the area after graduation it wasn't worth risking hurting her, even if he was great.

However, that plan of mine just to give it up was a little difficult, and after an incident where he proudly showed me pictures of his baby sister and offered to drive me home when I mentioned not wanting to bus that day, I realized that it was probably best to avoid him to avoid having feelings for him.

That worked pretty well throughout high school, but after graduation, when I moved away for school, the group of people who I had been friends with went through a bunch of changes, and the group that my best friend at the time and most of the other people I had been close with started to spend their time with changed to include him. Because of this, when I came home for summer or for holidays I ended up spending time with him along with everyone else. We'd all go out and very often he and I would joke around and maybe flirt a little, we'd talk about our mutual favourite sports teams and even occasionally dance when we all ended up at a club or whatever. My little crush rekindled every time, but I rationed that I wasn't around enough for anything to happen and since that friend that had fessed up to liking him was still around it wasn't right for me to try and encourage anything.

However, we did get a little closer during that time and so even after my best friend at the time cheated on her boyfriend (it had been a very complicated situation where he had cheated first and manipulated her into forgiving him, so though I admitted she was in the wrong, I still continued to be friends with her because the whole thing had been messy and confusing and I didn't want to abandon her because she made a mistake, though I understood why other people might not see it that way too and I stayed out of any of the drama involved other than just spending time with that friend) and things were so messy that no one else really wanted to be around her at all, he still invited me to parties he hosted and occasionally would mention me to invite along to group things even though some other people (including my friend's ex) probably found it weird to have me around.

However, though the friendships did survive that, I ended up spending a lot less time with those friends anyways between being away and not being invited to all group things and so I mostly drifted apart from those friends, though we still did keep in touch.

About a year went by where I didn't see him at all, during which I went on a few dates (I hadn't been on any or been in any sort of romantic relationship before that since I hadn't really considered it a priority to date and hadn't really liked anyone who had asked me out enough to accept). I had thought that I was over him by the time I next saw him, which was at a party he was throwing and had invited me to. I didn't get to spend much time with him there, but in that time he sought me out to get me to join in on some silly game and defended a haircut he had gotten during the time I hadn't seen him to me and tried to convince me it was good with pictures after some of the guys teased him about it (it was terrible by the way and I joined in on the teasing). I realized I was not over him, but still hoped that maybe I could get to that point because I didn't know how else to proceed after so long, even though the friend who had crushed on him now has a long term boyfriend and I had moved back home so all those obstacles of the past were gone now.

It was a while before I saw him again. I took a cab to a friend's place to meet up with everyone and he waited for me at the door to make sure I got to the right place and then offered me one of his few beers when I got inside. When the lot of us finally ended up going out to the bar we used to frequent we continued to talk and flirt a little. I realized that I was still head over heels for him enough that the next day I cut things off with a guy I had been talking to and thought I might be interested in for a while because he just couldn't compare to even a few moments of laughing with this guy, even if it might not ever be anything more than that, though I was now certain that that was what I wanted.

I don't have the guts to confess my feelings to him, and after joking around and flirting with one another for so long I get the feeling my subtle hints don't come across very well even though they are all I can work up the confidence to give. I think I missed out on my chance of him making a move back a few years ago where there were moments that I only interpret now as him having tried to do that (that offer to drive me home, asking for my number, etc)

I don't know how to proceed. I don't see him or any of those friends very often and its been long enough since I was spending a lot of time with them all that its too much for me to even try to instigate hanging out with everyone, let alone one on one time with him or any of the others who might have some more insight if I could work myself up to talking to any of them about it, except the one friend, who's work schedule keeps her busy enough that we can't seem to catch one another. Not that I know if I could even manage to talk to them about it.

The only person I have been able to admit my feelings about him to is that friend who's breakup tore her away from that group. And all she had to say on the matter is that I need to move on from that part of my life (hanging out with friends from high school). I might have been able to get more from her, but unfortunately she continued to slide downhill after that breakup and the relationship got to the point where it was unhealthy for me, so I don't see her much now.

Even though it isn't really ideally how I want things to go, I'd even take just getting over him at this point as a consolation prize. Though, I still would want to be his friend. It just has become too painful to think about him all the time. Unfortunately I don't know how to do that either. I've known him long enough to know his flaws and none of them are enough to overshadow what a really amazing guy he is, even if I try and just focus on them. Dating didn't seem to do the trick either, though it is even less likely to work now since I don't get much of a chance to meet new people here to possibly even meet someone who might compare.

I feel so stuck. I like him so much. I guess its just a crush, but its been 4-5 years now and it doesn't feel so small anymore. Honestly I just feel so good being around him that its all I want to do but I'm only getting to once every couple of months at this point. I wish more than anything that there was some easy cure for this all. I have so much anxiety that I can barely even think about trying to just tell him how I feel out of the blue, and I don't know how to spend more time with him to make it clear, or to become more comfortable with the idea of telling him how I feel. We never did spend time with just one another other than moments in group situations where it was just the two of us. And all of that worry is before I even consider that if I said something or did something and things got weird between us that it would likely mean that I lost not only him, but all of those people that I was once friends with, who despite how infrequently I see them are the only real friends I have in the area.

I have no idea what to do.