So as to stop yourself going mad, you do some house work, go for a walk, have a lunch, call a friend, make plans cos life shouldn't just revolve around TTC. And it didn't before, but it's 18 months now and little by little the need is growing and it's almost all you can think about. But you shouldn't keep thinking about it. You've been told not to think about it... 

And then the spotting starts. And you convince yourself that it's implantation bleeding. Or that you're that one person people will know who spotted through her pregnancy. Or that this is just old blood and yes, it is on the browner side of red...

But then she starts to flow, and then the tears flow shortly after... And then the cramps come on full force, and your eyes sting from the crying. And you wonder who you can talk to apart from your OH. Who'll understand? 

You talk to someone and they're good but they tell you (again) to try not thinking about it. 

What am I not to think about? The fact I'm bleeding? Or my cramps? Should I forget the fact I've changed my whole lifestyle to improve my chances of TTC? Should I ignore the fact that I'm 40 and my time is fast running out (if not already run out)? Should I put to the back of my mind that I've spent the last year and a half doing all the tests and both himself and myself are clear? Should I try not remember that it's unexplained infertility and sure isn't that a positive, at least there's nothing wrong? Should I close my eyes every time I see someone pregnant or wheeling a buggy? Should I deafen my ears when I hear a baby cry, or a toddler tell their mammy a cute story? Should I turn away friends and colleagues who are pregnant and need my professional advice? Should I close down that part of my heart, turn it to ice and stop trying to conceive?

How do I stop feeling so ashamed that my body won't do what it's supposed to? 

How do I stop feeling disappointed that yet another month has passed and my time hasn't come?

How do I stop being terrified that I may never see the face of my own child? 

How do I continue to just get up and brush myself off and tell myself that it'll all be ok in the end? 

How do I keep ignoring the pity looks of people who still see my flat stomach? 

How do I stop dreading the fact that my ageing mother is worried about me?

I'm awash with emotions and feelings right now and actually I just wana sleep and never wake up cos this is all just so fucking hard. 

I don't wana be that old narky disgruntled lady who is selfish cos she turned bitter from never having children and had ended up lonely. 

I don't wana be that old lady who's on her own with no children of her own to come visit her... 

I don't wana just be another sister, another friend, another daughter, another colleague, another girlfriend, another person on the tube... I wana be unique to someone. I wana be their one and only mammy. I wana be the one they go to for that special hug they can get nowhere else. I wana be special.

I wana be a mammy. But my body won't work like nature intended. And I'm ashamed. And I'm sad. And I'm worried. And I'm angry. And I'm frustrated. And most of all I'm fed up of people telling me to stop trying to conceive, to stop worrying, and to stop obsessing... 

It didn't work when we weren't trying. It didn't work when I didn't mind if I was pregnant or not. And it didn't work when I wasn't worrying. So stop the stupid advice and just give me a hug.

Hugs to all out there who are also feeling the above 🤗🤗🤗