idk what to do

guys i need help, idk where to go bc the suicde hotlines never help me and im confused , im suicidal but i dont wana kill myself ... but i do .. like i want to but i dont wana wounder about "what ifs" theres still a part of me that wants to keep fighting , mostly bc i made it this far .. but latly life has just been getting too hard for me to keep strong with , i started self harming again and i was clean for so long untill this summer , i feel like i should seek help but when i asked my mom for help she kinda didnt do anything , just ketp saying call my dad ant talk to my friends , but its getting exhasting to keep repeating that im at my witts end and im not getting the help i need but i feel bad bc they are trying to help but they don't understand sometimes it jusy cant be helped when it gets this bad ... im scared to be hospitalized again bc of missing school , and anyone give me advice , no one really knows iv been self harming im too scared to tall anymone