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To my little 👼🏻 👼🏻

Dione • Mon, Feb 06

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You both have tried your hardest,

But something blocks our path.

For every time I feel you grow,

Sadly that feeling never lasts.

I don't know if it is me,

Or the circumstances surrounding your several conceptions..

But I promise that the next time

All will be prepared despite any circumvection.

Whatever lesson I have yet to learn,

With your loss, I need not endure anymore.

I might have had to change my path,

But I know you both await me behind one of those new doors.

Down the corridor of stability..

Next to honor and tranquility..

You are forever my treasures,

unknown yet of endless wonder and worth.

I promise that nothing more than loving arms and soft melodies will await you both at birth.

And if luck is mine to have I will get to embrace God's grandest sign of faith and grace,

My darlings, My heavenly 2👼🏻👼🏻

Until I hold you both again,

I eternally ❤️ you..

I miscarried yesterday at home. I am a single parent and this pregnancy wasn't 100% wanted by their father. I had spent the last 7 days quarreling over the degredation of this relationship. During the course of all this , he expressed several times how he didn't care if they were to be born or not. I was very tired and felt a lot of pressure in my uterus/hips yesterday afternoon. I got the usual bought of nighttime nausea after cooking and then I went to take a nap. I slept for 3 hours more than I had planned for and awoke in the midst of what felt like early labor. I was 7w6days with twins(di). My bleeding was instant. The clots were the size of large lemons. In two hours, I had filled up 5 overnight maxi pads and passed 4 clots. The second time my body was expelling my uterine contents,

it's was my 👼🏻👼🏻. I caught them in my hand.

The first time this happened was a year ago, before I had left my now-again partner. My body kept on registering the pregnancy..even though they stopped developing a week prior. I opted for a D&C. This time, I saw them both...both had heartbeats...one was a week behind in size. But both of my 👼🏻👼🏻had life in them.

The relationship I'm in isn't healthy. It's a cycle of emotional emptiness and one sided debates.ive been on and off again with him for 5 years and I can't fight the facts anymore..this is happening becasue maybe I'm not meant to add on to my family with this person. I feel like they were taken back because it was Gods way of protecting them or holding them for me until I'm ready to give them what they deserve. It was all soo quick. I have no bodily pain today. No cramps. But my breasts and lower abdomen still show that my little ones were here.

I told the father that they were gone. I don't know what he felt. He called at 7am this morning to ask if he could come over. He tried to apologize as she said 'he was sorry for everything' and to ' tell him what to do to make it right'. How can I fix something I didn't break? I can't. Something died in my last night as I experienced the departure of my blueberries: I fell out of love and into reality. I realized that the future they were headed towards wasn't worthy of their existence. I told him how I felt. How he doesn't have the right to mourn. That I shouldn't be here with him. That I always lose the most and how I won't be losing anything else to this redundant cause. I just want to mourn by beans. If he never calls me or looks for me, I'm okay with that. Had I not miscarrried, he wouldn't have ever called/came over.

I will mourn my babies peacefully and privately. I can't bring myself to discard them down a drain or garbage bag. I have written them a letter and have preserved them in a small jar.

I will bury them after I take my daughter to school in the morning.

One day, I'll be blessed and ready.

Thank you for reading my story.

Please leave only kind remarks, if you wish to reply/comment.

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