I would appreciate if you read this long story of mine and comment honestly.

I'm in perhaps the worst position that I've ever been in. I have made lots of choices. Some of them good some of them not so good! I'm pretty quiet and I get attached quickly and fall really hard and am always stuck emotionally connected to those who hurt me. I get really low when I get dumped. I honestly get weaker emotionally every time I lose someone I care about even if the feeling isn't mutual.

I am 21 and dating this guy who is 26 and I will be fully honest my heart isn't in it anymore. And the reason for that is he cheated on me the beginning of December 2016 and told me that he loved someone else and she was already living with him literally 3 days later. Well she cheated on him day 5 of living with him and he came crawling back. And me being super self conscious and afraid of rejection and afraid of being alone took him back just a week after she left him. I'm still hurt by the fact that he cheated and I'm having a hard time. Plus he and I are on different pages. The cheating aside, I want to one day get married and have kids. He's totally against having kids and has said that if I ended up pregnant his life would be ruined. And his life would be ruined because then he'd have to take the money he spent on weed and video games and put it towards a kid. And he made a comment more recently about wanting to buy a house with his 5 best guy friends and all hang out every day and smoke weed. (Please note I personally do not smoke anything)

We had a stupid fight the other day about me not lending him money when he asks for it and he's been grumpy towards me. Didn't even text me on valentine's day. Didn't hear or see him.

My ex texted me out of the blue the day after valentine's day. And he does the random text probably twice a year. It's almost like right when I think I have forgotten about him he makes a surprise appearance. And he is really an awful and mean person but he was my first love. And I would be fine if I never heard from him again. But he literally dumped me four and half years ago (I was just 17 and he was 22) after being together since I was 15. Yes i know the age gap but we never did have sex and i was totally ok with our relationship. What makes it worse, he gave me a ring and asked me to marry him when I was 16. And I was so in love with him and believed everything he said. He could do no wrong in my young naive eyes. He was believable. He wanted to know what we should name our future kids. He taught me how to drive on the back roads in his truck. I had some of the best times with him. But then he decided to be with someone else and left me hanging. And I was very hurt. And any relationship I enter I truly expect to be hurt all the time.

But my ex has been saying that he loves me still (which he hasn't said in years) meanwhile I'm with someone I've fallen out of love with and who isn't really interested in the same things as me. I would never cheat. And I wouldn't ever take my ex back. But I'm very down. And confused. And feel so alone. How do I handle this? Please help!