I'm so confused. About five months back I was in a relationship with my bf and we were dating for about nine months. The first few months everything was really great. I didn't know what to do tho when I fell asleep next to him and woke up with his hands in my pants. I woke up with his finger inside me and my bra unhooked. I was so scared. I didn't want to lose him, we had already dated before for like four months. So this was the second time we were together. He always told me that I was lucky to have him and that he broke his number one rule for me which was dating a person twice. I loved him and I was so confused as to why he did that. I just kind of smiled and when I went home I texted him and asked him what happened. He denied even knowing anything happened at first. Then I finally got him to admit t and he apologized. I felt really bad because he seemed really sorry and promised he wouldn't do it again. I believed him. But then it happened again. I was so afraid I would lose him so I didn't say anything. I never gave consent, I was asleep. I didn't even know what he did to me. I eventually just forgot about it or tried and it became a regular thing. I didn't think much of it after a while and tried to push it in the back of my mind. Eventually we had sex which was totally consensual. And after a pregnancy scare we stopped doing anything sexual for a while. Well one night we're making out in his car and then he starts to slip his fingers in. I freeze. I don't want to do this but I don't want to lose him. I can't even form any words. I get this panicked feeling and I can't speak or move. I think he asked me what I wanted to do and I told him to do whatever he wanted. I kept telling him it was up to him. Eventually I stopped talking and he kept fingering me. I started to cry. This happened while he was doing it. I cried for about twenty minutes and then he stopped. I think he saw that I was crying. He asked me if something was wrong and I couldn't even get an answer out. He pushed me away and didn't look at me for a while. I told him everything was fine and he started crying and pushing me away. He said that I hated people like that, and I told him it was okay that I loved him. I didn't want to lose him I was so scared. Eventually I convinced him that it was okay and to make sure it was okay I sucked his penis. I don't really know what to consider that night. It made me feel so violated and gross. I just didn't want to lose him. I don't know what this post is exactly, but I guess I'm hoping someone has answers. I told one of my guy friends about it and he said it was rape. I didn't agree but I also never felt the same after that. I felt dirty and couldn't look myself in the mirror and I kept waking up from nightmares. More stuff like that happened. I don't know what it was though because I never said no, but I never said yes. I'm looking for opinions because I don't understand why I feel so awful I was hoping someone could help.