How to help a friend grieve the loss of a baby?

Question

My best friend just lost her nephew this morning. He was just shy of a month old. He was born premature, but has been otherwise healthy. She's also experienced a miscarriage this past fall. I want to help her and be there for her however I can, but the thing is that I have a 2 month old. I don't want to upset her by my daughter potentially being a reminder of both of these losses.

Originally we were planning on play dates with our children, but she miscarried and we decided on play dates with my daughter and her nephew. I'm just afraid that my daughter will only be a reminder of this and I'll lose my best friend. What can I do to help?

Answer

My sister has suffered two miscarriages (she has three children) and my sister-in-law suffered one (has one child, currently pregnant). I haven't had a miscarriage and just had my son two months ago. From my experience, it is best to give them time to grieve. Write her a letter to explain that you are here for her if she needs anything and you love her. Give her a nice gift like a notebook for her to journal in with some tea/mug. I helped my sister find a stone angel for her garden and spent the day with her but didn't talk much. This is something she will have to grieve through by herself, but letting her know you are available is important. The pain never goes away for them and that is okay. Hopefully she will find some joy (in time) when playing with your daughter. Something I heard from a friend that might help, if she is spiritual or religious:
It's our jobs as mothers (or aunts) to get our children to heaven. Your friend already has one child in heaven who is happy, healthy, and waiting for his/her mom. Her nephew is playing with her child and they are having the best of fun.
I hope this helps. I am sorry for her loss.

Answer

In the beginning when it's really raw she may need help with practicalities like chores, meals, etc. Don't bring your daughter along with you when you're with her constantly but definitely don't be distant, even if she tries to push people away. She needs her bff ❤ Although I cannot imagine the magnitude of her sorrow right now, I do know of one thing that can always be done for bereaved parents which will mean something to them; that is to memorialize their precious angel. Say their name, write their name. Every parent wants to hear and see their child’s name but those which are bereaved will seldom get that chance.  Parents of lost baby's fear deeply that they will be forgotten. Mothers fiercely defend their baby’s. When there is no baby to protect they will fiercely defend their  memory. So you can always join them in doing that.😊 If you live near a beach write her name in the sand and take a picture. Or spell it out in an arrangement of flowers. Paint a wooden letter for the first in the baby's name, or make a mosaic. You can make a donation to a NICU or march of dimes in her name or make an album of any photos she has of her little one. You can ask her questions so she gets to talk about her baby, something every mom wants to do regardless of ifthey're  here in their arms or not. Ask about her weight, length, head circumference. How did she smell, who's nose or lips did she have? How did they come up with her name?  I think it's a very pervasive myth(which people in the grief community have really made me aware of)that the topic of their child is too distressing and thus should be avoided. No mom EVER tires of talking about their baby, alive or angel. She will appreciate so much you caring and keeping her daughters memory alive.

You're a good friend for trying to help in the most meaningful way possible. 💕 I'm sending good vibes and thinking of her. What is the sweet Angels name if you don't mind my asking?

Answer

I dont think there is help my sister had a still born at 38 weeks. All i cld do was lend an ear to listen cook her dinner help around the house and consta tly ask how she was and let her know she was always in my thoughts. 3 years on she struggles and i ask her constantly how she is and listen ti her

Answer

Personally I've lost a nephew and two nieces. I would not bring your baby around for awhile because I would see it as a reminder. Do make yourself avaliable though. She needs to be around love and support right now. The simple acts of bringing over some food or going to get coffee with her will help immensely. Some people take really well to sentimental gifts. My sister in law received a necklace for her losses that I believe helped a lot. More than anything she will just need time. It's been three years since I lost the kids and I still lose it sometimes. Be patient and there for her. She needs love and support right now.

How to help a friend grieve the loss of a baby?

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