Long post...

A couple days later I started passing clots and feeling cramps, I was told that's normal and not to panic but one morning I knew something wasn't right. I wouldn't stop bleeding and passing clots almost as big as baseballs, I was in terrible pain, I decided to go into the ER where they just let me lay on a bed and pass the clots, gave me fluids through an IV along with some pain killer. About 7 hours passed and they said I could go home cause the clotting and bleeding slowed down. I asked for a D&C just to feel emotionally better. The doctor said no because I won't bleed or clot as bad as I did when I came in so I let it go, I didn't have enough energy to fight for one. I went home and the next day I went up north to spend time with family, I was still bleeding but definitely not as bad and the pain had gotten better. But the next day it started all over again, but this time it was WAY worse. The clots were bigger and it hurt way more to pass them, I also couldn't get the bleeding to stop. I told my mother and SO and we began to proceed to the closest hospital which was 30 minutes away. In the car, I could feel myself drifting away from my body.... The pain was intense and unbearable I just wanted to be knocked out, they were speeding and trying to get me there fast because I was soaking the seat with blood.. My mother noticed I wasn't responding to her questions and I kept falling asleep, she then decided to just call the ambulance thinking they'd get to us faster. We stopped at a gas station and they finally met us there 15 minutes after she made the call, but it felt like so much longer. I kept zoning in and out, I felt hot and cold at the same time. As we got to the hospital in the ambulance they rushed me to a room and began figuring things out. The strongest pain killer they gave me wasn't even helping, I've NEVER experienced that much pain in my life. I begged someone to kill me even, "Just let me die please." After a some long hours, I passed about 6 clots the size of a newborn baby's head. They finally said I was gonna go in for an emergency D&C because the ultrasound they did saw more clots in my uterus. I luckily didn't need a blood transfusion, I was just shy of getting one. That was the worst and most terrifying moment of my life.... I thought I was actually gonna die that day. I was able to leave that night because everything seemed waaayyy better. But emotionally....not so much.

Going through all that for something I never got to see was putting me through a major depression. I just couldn't go back to my normal self and I still don't feel like my normal self. I told some close family about what happened and some of them have told me that I need to just move on already from what happened. "There wasn't even a baby there, why are you grieving this long? Time to get over it!" How can I just move on? It was something I was excited for and something I've always wished for, we tried for so long and it finally took and then it got taken from me just like that. I've been very distant from that family since then. I've even become pregnant again and don't want to tell them the exciting news because I'm scared of the outcome and their comments. Are they right though? Is it dumb for me to still be heartbroken over something I never got to see, over something that maybe wasn't there ever?

I've become much more stable during the past 7 months after the miscarriage, I've been grieving in healthy ways and remembering and honoring my baby everyday. I plan to plant a tree for my little one I lost. Even if I never got to see the baby I still considered myself a mother and when people tell me to move on I feel my heart break. Am I crazy or is this normal?? 

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this!