I had a very difficult labor, and after 12 hours was told I would be having an emergency csection. Though the doctors and nurses never made it seem like a big deal, my son was loosing oxygen, stuck in the birth canal with only part of his head coming out and his heart rate was dropping. When they finally got him out he wasn't breathing and that's all I remember. I woke up in a completely dark hospital room with no baby bed anywhere in sight. I panicked and paged the nurse who was not so nice and told me I could only go see him if I could get out of the bed and get in a wheel chair on my own. They had my baby stuck in what they call a "nursery" which is some shitty little room with the baby bed and a nurse sits at the desk typing away on her computer. They handed me my baby who was hooked up to oxygen and who knows what else and then left the room. I was honestly in no shape to be left alone, with a new born none the less. It took forever for me to get someone to take the poor kid out of my arms before I dropped him because I couldn't keep my eyes open. I replay as much as I can remember every day. Every time I see a new mom or hear a birth story where everything went normal and the mom got to hold the baby the second it was born, I feel like crying and I hate them. I hate people who didn't have a traumatic birth because for 39 weeks I believed everything would go smoothly, I was promised this "golden hour" after he was born, I wasn't informed about csections or anything other than having a natural birth (because that's the route I wanted). Now I'm lost, I am physically exhausted all the time, no matter how much rest I get. My son is perfect, I can't complain about him at all, he sleeps 4-6 hours at night and 1-2 hour naps, I get plenty of rest. I get mad at my husband all the time, for things that don't matter and I can't stop it. I don't know who or how I talk about this, this is my first baby and my first struggle with some kind of depression. I really need advice. This is month 4 and I haven't talked to anyone about it.