Venting

I'm a first time mommy, I'm now 30wks pregnant and at my 20wks scan they found out my son has HlHS they gave me 80% of survival and wouldn't offer termination unless i pay out of pocket we decided to give him hope and wish for the best and it's been hard. Now at my 30wk scan they gave me even more bad news that my son not only has HlHS but with restricted atrial septum meaning the hole they need to be wide open is too small and they didn't give me a percentage of survival and told me I should prepare for the worst. I don't want to have to think about the worse happening because this is my first my baby boy my sweet face I've already put so much thought,effort and love into him and he's not even here yet, I'm on a roller coaster constantly telling my husband this is what we'll do if he makes it and this is what we'll do if he doesn't. I don't want to start over because I'll feel like I'm replacing him even though I will make his memory last and his sister's and brothers will know of him. I just feel useless at this point. My best friend is pregnant and I'm jelly of her cause she's having a healthy pregnancy, my cousin gave birth to a beautiful little girl and i might not even get to hold my son, I'm honestly scared cause I'm going to have to have a C section for the Drs to be hands on ready for his arrival. How do mother's get through this ??? It's so hard I just want to give up. But the back of my mind is telling me it's worth the wait he'll prove u wrong, you may not get to hold him for a while but when you do you'll realize what God is capable of and all your fears will be lifted. And I pray, pray everyday that he will prove me wrong.