Sorry this will be long. I just need to vent. Also it's very all over the place. 

 Well I graduated in October 2014. I took some time off and studied. I did fail once, then i became pregnant with my daughter. I had a job offer lined up on my dream unit pending the results of my boards. And I failed. I got depressed but I believed everything happens for a reason...something could have happened to my daughter while working etc. I breast fed for a year and worked a few small jobs, while my 4 year old was home and my 5 year old at school. I put him on the bus in the am and got him off in the pm.

My daughter turns a year in October. I plan on studying even more. Getting back in to the swing of things then my step son gets diagnosed with perthes. (Blood flow stops to hip, bone dies, and has to regrow) i was working a retail job but stopped because my step son needed to be home schooled. I have a 6 year old at home, a one year old and a 5 year old in kdg. (The two are my step sons) I become a teacher, a physical therapist, everything to my 6 year old. I take him to appointments, therapy, and swimming all while tending to my daughter. Only to come home and get my other son off the bus. Do home work, cook dinner, clean etc. the same cycle for  months. 

All while my husband works and does whatever. He's great but I feel like I put in more effort. I mean he does provide income so I can't really complain a lot. I just want to study. The only free times I have to study is when my daughter finally goes to sleep....around 11-1am. I get about 3-4 hours of sleep on a regular basis. 

Husband gets laid off, both boys are in school again, I think yay! I get to leave the house and go study. Wrong. Husband takes boys to school, goes to the gym, and goes out doing things. Im at home with our daughter, cleaning and just being a house wife. (It blows) she barely ever naps and if she does it was always when I was cooking dinner or doing homework my with the boys. 

Husband goes back to work, one son needs picked up every day at school at 1pm. Physical therapy appointments are still going strong. I do whatever I can for my family. They are the most important thing in this world. 

I sacrificed a lot for my step sons. My husband and their real mom not so much. She finished schooling and works full time all while her grandma takes care of the kids. (She doesn't ever parent alone, and she only has them weekends)  

 All I want is to put myself in a line to come first. I want to leave the house and have me time at work. I complain because I want to work. He tells me I need to be focusing my time on something else, like studying. The only time I get to study is at 1am. Tells me I have all the time in the world to study....tells me I can go whenever I want. Wrong. It never happens because he's always going some where or I have kids to tend too. 

Every weekend so far this year he has been taking a class for his job. He doesn't have too but I didn't stop him. It's over six hours each Saturday, he also attends different meetings during the week...all while he doesn't have too, but because he is on the board he does. I take care of all three kids each day, clean the house, cook, make lunches, etc. 

Why is it that he can go do whatever he pleases and I can't. I can't get one damn day where I leave the house for 2 hours and study. My mom just had her knee done so it's hard for her with a very active 17 month old, and my dads work schedule is very strange and goes in for it a lot, so they can't help watch her and I don't have anyone else. 

Why can everyone else have time to do whatever, but this mama can't find times to study. I study at 1am...right now I can't study because my daughter won't stay asleep. Alllll while he is sleeping. He's never woken up with her in 17 months ever. He tells me I need to study and focus...but how?!!! I've even told him it's near impossible to focus in a house full of kids and it's impossible to get him to stop so I can put myself first. I love him, and I don't ever want him to think I don't support him. 

So when she finally goes to bed I'll be up studying just to wake up at 7 and make lunches and breakfast for the boys give them showers, all while hoping my daughter doesn't wake up until it's take to drive them to school. To start a long day of cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping etc.

Ugh. I just want it to be my time sooner rather than later when I forget all the info. 

Ps. Every night I do about 20 questions....but I'd like to do more! Alone, not laying in bed at night