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I'm in my twenties and have been sexually active for five years.
Ever since I was a young child I've had random feelings of gross perversion come on without warning. It would make me feel wrong, victimised, unsafe.. and I would panic and go quiet and wait for the moment to pass. Sometimes it happened at random, but sometimes it happened when someone would touch me.
I have no recollection of ever being sexually assaulted, but from a very early age knew what sex was, how it was done, that it made people feel good and that a liquid went into the woman (at the time I thought it was pee). But whenever I feel this perverse feeling come on, I feel violated and assaulted.
My partner and I have unprotected sex regularly, and last night as he left the room to wash up I felt the wave wash over me and I was disgusted and scared. Not of him, but the act itself. I've experienced this in the past with previous partners and have had to tell them to stop midway through because I panic. It's now become more of an anxiety problem than anything.
This morning after sex, still naked, I clutched my partner and refused to let go. I stared at the ceiling wide eyed and felt if I didn't slow my breathing I was going to start wailing. The comfort of his body helped me to calm down and touch base that he cared about me and I was okay, and what we had done was 100% consensual.
This feeling will ruin my relationship. I've spoken to a counsellor about it and he said it sounded similar to PTSD but without any recollection to an assault as a child, he couldn't diagnose me or think of why else it would be happening. There's nobody in my family or anyone who I can recall who stands out from my childhood as someone I was scared of or felt violated by.
Does anyone else experience this? It's freaking me out.
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