What to say to friend who just miscarried?

Question

I'm 20 weeks pregnant and my best girlfriend from my undergrad years also got pregnant just a couple months behind me. Even though we're long-distance now, we were thrilled to be going through this together. When I sent her a text this morning about how exciting it was to be hitting 20 weeks, she responded that she just miscarried yesterday (at 9 weeks). I'm stunned and so sad for her - I know she and her husband really wanted this baby, they already told family, etc. I guess I just don't know how to support her or what the best way to approach this is - our conversations have been so focused on pregnancy and now I don't know what I should or shouldn't say or share or if just avoiding the topic makes it even worse? I don't want to withdraw or hurt her by not sharing, but I also don't want her to feel like I'm rubbing pregnancy in her face after her loss. I just don't know what's the best way to be supportive without making her pain worse. Anyone been there (either side) and have advice?

Answer

Maybe have an open conversation with her about it. Being upfront with your best friend about how to approach your pregnancy with her will make sure that she knows that you are sensitive to her and don't want to make her uncomfortable. She may need a few weeks to heal and therefore not hear as much about your experience so let her know that she can be open with you also about her feelings when it hurts too much to talk about you and your baby. I think the biggest thing is to avoid the feeling of isolation that can come with having a miscarriage so try to make it about her for the next little bit as much as possible.

Answer

Honestly I'd say hold back on the pregnancy topic unless she asks at least for a while. Ask her what she needs and tell her u are there for her. Other than that there's nothing u can really tell someone going thru a loss because what they really need is time. I wish u both the best.

Answer

I was recently on your friends side. My sister in-law was about 3 months ahead of me, and I miscarried at 14w but she went on to have her baby. With her, she always said to others how awkward it was to be around me, but in person all she would talk about was her pregnancy. It honestly broke me. She was so rude and insensitive about it all. I know just about a month after I lost my sweet girl, she one day just started telling me how excited she was to be a mom, and how they were gonna hold their baby soon, and just shoving it in my face. I had to leave cause I broke down.

I know for me, I still loved her and was happy for my brother but I just couldn't handle seeing her bump and hearing her talk about it non-stop. It made me feel so ashamed and embarrassed. I think what I would do, just be very sensitive to her. Her whole world just ended and it's not going to be easy for her to talk about those sort of things. I'd say when you talk with her, unless she brings it up herself, I would try not to talk about it. And even then make it short and to the point. It's hard cause you are gonna be so excited, but it's best for her at the moment. ❤️ and I don't know your friend, so she could be completely different but this is how I wish my SIL acted for me. ☺️

Answer

Send some flowers and then let her set the tone. Grieving is so hard no matter how far along the loss.

Answer

I lost a baby girl last June at the end of my first trimester. I had one friend send flowers & it meant so much to me. I also appreciated the cards that honored our baby by stating they were sorry for our loss or specifically the loss of our baby. I was so disappointed & frustrated to get cards that said sorry you're going through a sad/hard time. I had to remind myself that they probably hadn't lost a baby & were still trying to be thoughtful. Sending her a little care package of her favorite things would also be nice. I had a neighbor bring over a bag of sunshine for me & our family - it had an adult coloring book with colored pencils (because I love art stuff), nail polish, chocolates, candy, cashews, a gift card for a restaurant so my husband & I could go out by ourselves, & thoughtful items for our big kids. It was greatly appreciated. Sending texts to let her know you're thinking of her over the next few weeks & months would be nice too. Good luck!

Answer

I miscarried at 8 weeks and my friend who is really close was like 6-7 weeks at that point.. in the beginning I didn't wanna see her just because I couldn't stand any pregnant lady around me, and I couldn't be still happy about her at that point.  I took my distance for like 2 weeks and then we reconnected! But that's just how I felt I don't know if it helped

Answer

I would hold off on any pregnancy or baby talk all together. It's really painful to see baby announcements, pregnancy updates, and talk about other women's pregnancies while you are trying to process your own loss. Just tell her you are there for her and that you are incredibly sorry for her loss. Tell her if she needs to talk you are there. But at no point try to compare yourself to her or compare her situation to anyone else's. Don't say things like,"it's okay, you can always try again." Or "miscarriage is just the body's way of getting rid of a bad pregnancy." Don't ask her when she'll try again. Just try to avoid all advice. She already knows all those things but it's extremely painful to hear. Just offer support and if she stops talking to you for a few months don't be surprised. Just know that she is grieving and eventually she will feel up to chatting about baby stuff again but it may be a while.

What to say to friend who just miscarried?

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