Postpartum depression

Where do I even begin?

December 16 2015 i gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby boy. I was over the moon because he was my rainbow after have a miscarriage. Months were going by with irregular periods and bam May 31st i find out i am 5 weeks pregnant. Fast forward to January 31st I brought the most beautiful baby girl into this world. Someone that I have longed for, for many years. Someone that I had grown to love while growing her inside me. I pictured our future together, mommy daughter days at the spa, shopping and girly things. I still imagine those days but how when I look into her eyes and don't see the love I seen with my son. I love my daughter don't get me wrong, I don't feel the connection is did with my three boys. I hate this feeling. I am angry and irritable and feel so bad when I take things out on my defenseless babies. No, I am not hurting them physically, emotionally maybe when I yell at them for doing kid things. I look at my husband and think I might as well be a single mother. I have no support from him voluntarily but demanded by me. He is battling mental illnesses and demons of his own which I am there to pick him up when he falls. Why are woman wired to handle everything? I am a very independent person and do for all but it is catching up with me. When I hear my daughter cry, I know what she wants because I pay attention to her coos and cries, but not my husband. When my 15 month old hands his bottle to his dad I know what he wants, because I watch his moves and know what he is trying to relay. It is the little things that are hurting me, like when I am struggling with the car set handle don't watch me help me. When I am turning the key the wrong way and I can't get into the house don't laugh, direct me. I am falling and there is no one there to help me up like I am always there for others! Tears fill my eyes as I write this because I feel like I am failing. Will I ever have the connection with my daughter that I longed for? I go to the dr on Tuesday and hope to get the treatment I need to, to mother my children the way a mother should. This is just temporary, I can do this!