Why is avoiding pregnancy after trying for a baby. so hard emotionally

I know I can't get pregnant right now but I hate the pull out method. I feel so much less to my bf like I'm helping him jack off and feels like meaningless sex. I feel empty and I don't want sex bc I know he will pull out just when he is feeling so good. I'm not getting off. I would get on the pill but I don't want to bc I don't want my cycles messed up or for it to take another year of my body going back to normal for when we are ready to try again for a baby. He likes going deep so I can't have anything to goes in me and ik from the past it hurts like hell so that's a no way in hell. Idk about condoms. I had a trigger yesterday and had flashbacks bc we had period sex and he pulled out. I thought maybe he wouldn't since I'm bleeding but he did. I feel like I'm not pleasing him enough to just pull out and cum on me all the time now. I hate jacking him off when I want sex so bad but feeling this way makes me not interested in sex anymore. Is there a birth control I could trust to prevent pregnancy but not mess up my hormones???? I can't take anymore of him pulling out. I hate feeling this way and like I'm less