I am 7.5 months postpartum. I am 45 pounds down.

I should be happy but I’m stressed AF.

Motherhood is wonderful; tiring but rewarding, and in my case miraculous indeed (I have endometriosis and my husband had chemo, so it was nerve-wracking but we were fortunate to have our angel with relative ease).

I have grown up with body dysmorphia. I’ve never had a point in my life where I felt beautiful or thin, even though I have hit “ideal weight” (i.e. I’m 5’5’’ so 123 should’ve made me feel like hot sh*t but I felt huge). My mom had an eating disorder and still isn’t healthy about it (barely eats now) and my father thinks like most old school Asian men that women should be thin to be beautiful. I’ve always flirted with being “okay” and slightly overweight; back and forth for 15 years.

I’m not nearly as neurotic about it as I was in my teen years. I am tired of the self-loathing. The constant guilt of eating. “You just need to starve for a month, it’s not a big deal” “Don’t come back home until you’ve lost 30 pounds” “Welcome to the land of 3 digits [fatty]” “Your boyfriend will leave you if you continue to refuse to lose weight” “Only I will love you looking like this” “You should not eat dinner tonight you ate too much” “Wow you definitely didn’t turn out as thin and beautiful as your mother” are phrases I’ve heard from family and ex’s most of my life. Even tonight, when I told my dad that I lost 45 pounds, he says, “You could’ve fooled me. That belly makes you look pregnant.” (My husband is very supportive: you look beautiful no matter what honey. However... this does not help the issue at hand).

45 pounds is an incredible amount of weight. I am now exactly at pre-preggie weight. I want to lose 20 more pounds in order to be more healthy but for a 5’5” woman, according to my doctor for my frame, ideal weight can be 125-132 lbs so technically… I should lose 30. I also want to lose this weight so that I do not have to work as hard to get to a healthy weight for a second pregnancy one day. I was close to gestational diabetes last time, and I also want to lose the weight in order to get off of my hypertension medication.

The thing is… the 45 pounds came off relatively easily. I am breastfeeding, and I have been eating pretty healthily but I do eat what I want once in a while. I’ve joined Hike it Baby and I have been hiking regularly. I have an intense fear about losing these 20-30 pounds. I have always been able to reach the point where I’m right at the cusp of not being overweight. As soon as I cross the barrier, I self-sabotage. I eat gratuitously, I stop working out, I stress out etc. The chips… they cry out to me! Mac’n’cheese for days, ice cream pints, pizza, fries, fried chicken… girl I EAT. I LOVE EATING. I eat healthily not because I WANT TO but because I have to ADULT. I am at that point right now and I feel petrified of the impending failure. It’s irrational. It’s incredibly stupid; I’m at this plateau now for 2 months. It’s frustrating.

I have a beautiful daughter. Like… drop dead “OMG she should model” gorgeous daughter. I do NOT want her to grow up hearing dumb shit like this or have any of the issues I have (for the record, I do not have an eating disorder; somewhat of a miracle all things considered). I feel like it is my duty to somehow tackle this issue at nearly 30 years old. I want to lose weight to lower my blood pressure, become stronger, to become more healthy, and be confident for once in my life about my body.

I guess I need to just rant; have a sounding board. I just feel like I can’t do this; the need to know that I'm not the only one going through this. Yes, I understand that for some people, my weight would be their goal weight but I’m not diminishing anyone else’s journey. I want to overcome self-loathing for my daughter. For me.