I love to be there for those who are having a hard time, I love to find a solution that works for that person. It always seems just too easy. But when it's me in the dark, I never have any solutions. Those who I'm there for are usually not there for me, because I'm known as the happy one who has everything together (I don't) and I'm pretty good at making myself stronger when I don't feel I'm capable of being strong.

But,

There are those moments when I suck at being positive. Than everything crumbles down. All of a sudden I'm all alone even when there are people right next to me and I may even be laughing with them. It's dark up there and I'm screaming for help, and the words can't come out. I try to bring my drowning self up to the surface, and the weights will not let me. I am scared that there is no way out of it this time.

Instead I write these bullshit words that still doesn't explain what is wrong, shit, I don't know what is wrong, just everything is wrong. Moments like these, I turn relationships sour, because I'm not so pleasant to be around at that moment, so I shut down, I stay away, there use to be a time when, if I could, I'd even try to destroy a relationship for the sake of protecting everyone from myself and than that would feed my sadness, I didn't understand that than. No one yet had the capability to understand, than ill get upset. Angry with life, how is it that it can be so lonely?

Am I the one who is so fucked up? Is that why I can relate with others so well, but they don't seem to be able to relate with me? Than there are those who I try to open up to, instead of hearing me out and trying to understand me they make it about their own personal feelings. Why is it that I seem to be stuck in a loop of a battle within? Is it just me?