Not sure if I'm starting to develop ppd or if I'm just having a rough few days.. feeling pretty emotional either way.

I go back to work in one week and that's definitely weighing on my mind. Everything my fiance says feels like he's being snippy with me so I'm even snippier back and the cycle continues. He has never realized how much of a toll having a baby has taken on me (and he gets to sleep through the night every fucking night) so I really don't expect much now that we're 9 weeks out. We rearranged our living room recently and I HATE it, I hate that there's no room for the floor gym or jumperoo anymore. I don't like sitting in the nursery alone with her, feeling like we're pushed into a corner, so we've done less tummy time or anything at all lately really and I feel guilty for it..

I've tried not to care about my pp body and to appreciate everything it's done to give me my daughter and continue to provide for her but lately I'm feeling so fat and unattractive. Maybe bc going back to work I'm realizing I don't have anything to wear that fits me right anymore.. I was 36d to begin with and now I'm 40g! And i thought it was a struggle dressing appropriately before! I'm going to be buying some new clothes this week and hopefully that eases some of the irritation I've had with my body lately.. but I know it'll be a little stressful to see what size pants I need 😕

I've struggled with disordered eating for most of my life and I'm feeling myself slipping back into that mindset. I don't want to "allow" myself snacks. All I want to consume during the day is coffee. I'm struggling to fight the urge to smoke again. I also know I should be working out more but every time I get a chance all I want to do is lay down.

On top of all this, my poor daughter has been having trouble passing gas today and is understandably pissy about it. We've been exclusively pumping since week 2 and I'm so sick of pumping. We're trying to get back to nursing but so far no luck and it's wearing on me. I know I don't need to add that stress and pressure on myself but idk how long we can really keep up with the exclusive pumping. It's so much work and will only get harder once she starts moving around. But I want to spend more time snuggling, especially when I get back to work. Ugh!

Idk.. I'm venting and rambling. Anyone have any advice or experience something like this? Does this sound like ppd, and how common is ppd at 2 months? Just feels like I'm hitting a downward spiral and I'm gonna do everything I can to fight it. 🙁