I don't know where to start. I feel ashamed even typing this. I have borderline personality disorder. I've been making a lot of improvements so idk how this came out of nowhere. My bf started making weird comments about his female coworkers, which even admitted they sounded weird even though he didn't mean it to. We ended up literally fighting for hours just because I asked him not to talk to them about anything that's not work related. We were both crying and the whole thing was just ridiculous. I was hurting so bad by him arguing for him to be able to talk to them instead of fighting for our relationship.

Next day, he apologizes. And says that he should have fought for me instead of them last night. That they don't even matter to him in the slightest so he doesn't know why he fought so hard and long for them while he's just making me hurt more and more. I was mad that he didn't fight for me. That we were fighting for hours with my crying and obviously hurting and him thinking talking to them is more important than not hurting me. So I told him he wasn't trustworthy and I won't forgive him until he proves it. I told him to quit his job if he really thinks I'm more important than them. He said that he will quit his job then.

I don't want him to quit his job. It's a good job. And I'm not even worried about the females he works with. I don't know how any of this happened. I just felt really hurt that night and I want him to hurt too..

I know it's wrong so please don't bash me. And I know what I'm suppose to do. Apologize and tell him to keep his job. But I don't want to do that. That's where I'm really asking for advice here. I've been very depressed and suicidal this last week and I don't know if that's why this is happening all of the sudden? I just want to know how to heal and feel better. I need help with ending this self destructive behavior. I love my boyfriend. I trust him and I want him to be happy. I want us to be happy together. So why is my desire to hurt him so much stronger than that right now? Why do I want both of us to suffer? Please I just need some psychological advice. I stopped going to therapy a few months ago because I just can't afford it anymore. Please please don't bash me. I know I'm a disgusting person.