I'm fine

No, really I'm fine

No, it's not because I'm too busy to think about it

Or it hasn't hit me yet

Or I'm denying it's existence 

I'm honestly ok

The only thing bothering me is

I'm not supposed to be fine

I'm supposed to be a mess, crying through the nights, not washing or dressing, painfully thinking about my barren womb

But I'm not

I'm fine

I'm not numb

Or not dealing with it 

Or drinking in the evenings holding baby grows wishing for what could have been 

I'm normal, ok, fine

So why am I fine

Did I not love them? Did I not try for them? Or hope that this would happen instead of picking names?

I think I loved them, I'm not sure if I did

Maybe I have no feelings, maybe I've become so hardened by past events that I can't even cry when my body swallows a second of its young

Why don't people talk about it. It's like a dirty secret I'm not allowed to tell anyone for fear of upsetting the politically correct status quo.

It's a big deal, I've seen it on the movies

Tiny women who grab their middles and scream.

But not me, because I'm fine

No I don't know if they were boys or girls or trangender or gender neutral. 

No I don't have a feeling, I haven't named them and I haven't bought a memory box. 

What memories?

I took a day off work, an extra days holiday

The sun was out and I got two loads of washing done

I went out for a drink with a friend and tried to start smoking again

I had a good day

So please tell me what is wrong with me

I've booked myself in for all the tests, thyroid, blood clotting, chromosomes......

Brain reprogramming, but there isn't one of those

Just give me one day of crying in the fetal position and I'll feel like less of a fraud

But in the meantime, don't worry about me

Because I'm fine