I'm still HUMAN, so I made a Mistake.

I'm posting this without anonymity because I need to people understand that I'm still human, I need help, and I don't want to be judged. I wont deny that I struggle between doing it or not, but maybe I'm helping someone else too. I'm a really closed person, I don't open myself even if I really want to, because I've felt so judged when I just needed help to be a better person and get through this rough time. I'm not looking for someone who give a solution but to help me to found a solution. 

***LONG POST***

Like I said, I'm still human, I have feelings, and I know that I made a mistake. There's nothing wrong on making a mistake, what's worst it's not learning from it. 

Im 24. married with a wonderful husband (who is 33), but I won't say that's a perfect marriage. There will be ups and downs. I made a mistake to let someone let in into my heart, but I want to think that everything happened (even if it was my mistake) for a reason, that there's something to be learned, there could be worse ways but this one God, life, karma, whatever wanted to happen, because I need to learn something. My husband and I made mistakes before and I know he learned from his. He's not a bad person, because of it, neither made him a bad person because of what happened before. Did everything in his power to learn and be better. 

When I let this OM, from a year and a half, make me fall in love for him, even when I tried so hard, pushing him away, tried to be friends, but not because he tried (and did) doesn't mean that he wasn't a good person. He was a wonderful man too, just had a bad luck to fall in love with a married woman. Letting him do that, put me in a position where I reconsidered everything in my life. How so many times I put my husband first because he's older than me, because I wanted him to succeed but I ended putting myself last because I was with the thought that I'm young and some things can wait. How many time I told him after getting married, lets get a home for ourselves and get out of my mom's house. Lets get you a better job if you're not happy with what you have, etc. I pospone everything that I wanted. I made him move almost 5,000 miles from home for a better future after telling him this for around 2 years to start a new life. The OM made me realize so many things, yes he offered me to a better life and more, but I don't want to people give me nothing, I want to earn it! Sometimes I feel I married too young (20 at the time), that I never got the chance to do other things.

On January , when the OM told me he was meeting someone who seemed good I decided to block him and let him live his life, he deserves better not someone who did what I did, even when I love him. He appeared from the way I never thought that he'll and I thought "maybe life doesn't want us apart, maybe it's something else. Why the f he appears after 2 months? What he wants?" We talked, he's happy with this other girl but miss me and love me. God knows that I have feelings for him so this hurt but at the same time gives me hopes. This happened 3 weeks ago and 2 days ago told me that he's going to marry this girl because her visa expires too soon and he don't want to lose her. That broke me really bad. I was already having depression because I realized that I was putting my husband first and trying to live my life putting myself last and now this guy comes back and everything is my fault because I didn't check all my social medias and phone to be completely sure that he doesn't appear in my life anymore, even when I still love him. 

This mess doesn't make me less human, this mess makes me realize that even when I can do so many shitty shit because who knows why, I'm still trying to learn and no make same mistakes over and over. I want time for myself to understand why I've been doing this, to see if its better to be alone and see if I can save myself from all the shit I've done. I don't want to hurt anyone else, but I can't keep hurting me the way I've been doing. Sorry for the long post, but if I don't give you the almost whole picture, no one will understand.

Thanks for reading, and please, I already judged myself (really bad), so no negatives comments, this is for help