Last week, the ministry threw me a huge baby shower. Gifts, cake, decorations, and it was a lot of work. They didn't ask me about a date or if I was even allowed to come considering I'm on partial bedrest. Nobody even talked to me about it. Told my husband and demanded I show up. But I came. I tried to be gracious. Smile. Took pictures and posted them on Facebook commending the ministry for loving us and being so generous. I just had special thank you notes printed to be sent to each person who came and served and decorated. 

I knew tentions were high in the parish. They were close to closing their doors before we came. They hired a young family for full time, but have quickly come to realize they aren't ready to support a full time position. My husband and I could see the ministry in struggle. The finances and size of the church couldn't support what they wanted. We'd taken cuts, but it was clear, they needed a part time man. And we can't survive that way. Part time

Pay wouldn't even cover the insurance. 

It was also clear the people were becoming more and more critical. They hate me for getting pregnant and causing another mouth to feed when they want to cut our pay. They hate me for throwing up for 8 months and counting. They hated me for resigning from volunteering when I would come to church to puke and pee on myself from heaving. Seriously, I'd rather puke at home than in a stall next to an older lady who needed to use the bathroom. They hated my 3 year old who is so sweet but was often the only child so they didn't want to provide a classroom for him. Meaning he either stayed home or I stayed with him in a nursery. This meant I didn't attend small groups bc I was with my kid. They even went so far as to tell me not to bring him to church anymore. But then complained that I didn't attend. 

My husband has been in the fight the whole time. They were critical of his family and even told him his helping me during the pregnancy was "women's work" and helping with our child was my job. I'm not really so sick, and basically I must be a lazy stay at home mom who fakes morning sickness bc nobody pukes this far into a pregnancy. 

So when they found out another church of friends were throwing me a shower, it made them look bad. So they threw one. People were unkind even at the shower. The only guest I had there said she felt hated for being my friend. I left the shower in so much pain, I had to be checked for preterm labor at the doctor and go on partial bedrest again. I could barely move. My husband had to practically carry me to the bed. I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I shouldn't ever been up in the first place. 

Fast forward to the first of this week. Holy Week. The most sacred week of the year. Palm Sunday, Good Friday, Easter services...And my husband wa handed an ultimatum. Resign quietly or risk public firing. And get out just three days before I'm to give birth. Or they will fire us before the baby comes. Either way, get out. Their reasoning? I'm a terrible minister's wife and have been increasingly distant over the last 9 months...Do they not know how long a pregnancy is? 

We lose everything. Home, paycheck, church, even our insurance is tied to the job, and all before a new mouth to feed and I'm to give birth. By forcing him to resign, he looks terrible. What man quits a job with no job waiting right before his wife gives birth? 

What kind of people throw a huge shower for a Baby one day, and the next, say I'm a terrible person, they didn't ask us to get pregnant, and that I'm inconsiderate?A bad mom? A bad wife? A bad ministry spouse? And that's all I am! I'm not paid. I'm just his wife! 

I had ever intention of returning to faithful service after this baby is born. I had ever intention of sending nice thank you notes and I've tried to praise their generosity and kindness. But these same people have turned on us so violently. Threatening to withhold any money owed to my husband if he doesn't leave before the baby is born. 

I realize people get fired all the time. But these are supposed to be God's people. Who does this to their spiritual leader and attack an innocent baby not yet born? 

I'm scared. I'm broken. I now have nothing. And my husband is so wounded. This is not the Yeshua I serve. This is not how real people who love God act. Is it any wonder people want nothing to do with God? And on Easter week. 

I'm so hurt. Probably gonna have to live in my parents basement. And all this stress is not good for the baby. 

Despite the brokenness of this, I still love God. Because this is not who He is. I hope I don't deter anyone who is searching for faith. I believe He is faithful. But some branches of His people are so messed up. He is a loving Abba who sent His Son to die. He loved me enough to bless me with a miracle child in my belly. I pray my children will only ever know His love and that we love them, and never this kind of hatred.

 We have applied for another ministry. But the due date deterred the final interviews. They wanted to wait until I gave birth because the new ministry didn't want to stress me or the baby out. It's in another state so there would be a lot of travel involved too close to the birth. But most ministries won't take a man who is fired. Even if it isn't his fault. If they discover we aren't in ministry, they will likely no longer be interested in hiring us. 

Like I said, please don't let me turn you to hate or run from God. He loves us. He loves these foolish people. We don't serve them. We serve Him. And on this week when Jesus was betrayed, we are in good company. I just don't have a place to just let it out. When a minister loses, he loses it all...job, friends, church, and even his kids lose friends. It's hard. And it's gonna be hard for a while.