Abuse.

Growing up I watched my parents fight and disagree on just about everything. At 5 they finally filed for divorce, unknowing at that young age that I was being abused emotionally by my own father at the same time he was doing the same to my mom. He would say during the divorce things such as "I'm gonna make sure you and her (my mom and I) are living on the streets with no roof over your heads!" as well as "no man is gonna wanna be with you ever (towards my mom)". As the divorce drug on for 21/2 more years I was 7 when it finalized. Watching my mom break down every night isn't something a young girl have to go through. And by the time I turned 10 I had no idea that just a few more years I'd be going through so much more abuse then I ever thought I would. By the time of becoming 13 I was in full blown puberty and obviously started liking boys and all that. But I've had acne since I was in 4th grade, on/off, good/bad even horrible at times. I started getting bullied because of it. I'd facetime with my dad every so often and he would nag me about my acne, "you'll never get a boy to like you if your face looks like that", "you look exactly like a pizza!". What kind of man does that to his daughter!? So by the time I started highschool I wouldn't call him anymore. He would call me PISSED!!! Everytime. "Why the f*ck haven't you called me?", "why can't you take 5 damn minutes to call me?". He's the kind where he doesn't realize he's insulting you and/or your intelligence until never..... He doesn't see that he's doing so. During highschool I also went through abusive relationships, some called me boring, crazy, weird, disgusting, and actually getting called a "sex toy" was the last of it! I became a loner, and oddly enough I found someone who I could give my heart to, someone who protected me and loved me even when I never deserved it. His name was Michael, and he saved my life when I was to the point of being so low where I had no one else to turn to. Our relationship wasn't perfect but he never mistreated me. One day he even put himself in between me and my dad the moment he saw my eyes dripping with tears from arguing. And now I abuse myself because I did something so STUPID to push him away. 😔 I miss him. 

This is me..... You can't see my emotions or hear them. But that fake smile I carry is the heaviest thing I've ever picked up in my life.