Home / Community / Birth Stories

Final Installment Eloise's {Almost} Home Birth

Mandy • Sun, Apr 23

The nurses strapped the EFM to my belly and gave me an IV with antibiotics since it had been so long since my waters broke. My veins are notoriously difficult to find and I was stuck in several places in both arms before finding one that would work. Nothing else hurt anymore compared to the radiating pain in my back and the pressure of Eloise trying to be born. Everything after that is a blur. Jake and Susan could probably tell you much better than I what was going on in the room and even in my body from then on. The monitor beeped, telling me my baby's heart was beating. I pushed and Karen reached inside me to turn Eloise's head. I squatted on the floor with a wonderful nurse named Emily who would be my friend during recovery. She held my hands and called, "Push from your bottom!" while I groaned. I got back in bed. Like at home, I pushed on one side with a leg in the air. I pushed on the other side. Jake was on my right holding my hair and giving me sips of water after every contraction. Susan was on my left holding my other hand and whispering, "You can do this." Karen stood ready to catch Eloise. The OB was nearby, counting in a firm voice, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, NINE, TEN! Breathe! Push again! One, two, three..."

There were so many voices. I don't know how many nurses were in the room but it was a lot. Susan told me later that the whole team was ready and waiting for when the c-section inevitably became necessary. Maybe they were also a little curious about this crazy home birth girl who had been in labor for four days? I don't know. But every contraction brought on a chorus of voices, cheering me on and sustaining me.

"You've got this."

"One, two, three..."

"Push from your bottom!"

"...four, five, six..."

"Worst constipation of your life!"

"...seven, eight..."

"That's fantastic! Great job!"

"NINE, TEN! Breathe! Push just like you did before and you'll be able to hold your baby!"

"Take a sip of water, babe."

Every contraction was the last one. Every contraction if I just pushed one more time, my baby would be born. But she wasn't. She was stuck. I didn't know why she was stuck I became angry pushed with every fibre of my being. I grunted and groaned and cried a little bit.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

"Deep breaths, Amanda! Slow, deep breaths! In, out. Get her some oxygen."

I didn't know it at the time but my baby's heart rate was dipping with each contraction and rising again as soon as I breathed in. I think it is a good thing I didn't know - I would have panicked and probably couldn't have taken the slow, deep breaths I needed in order to bring her heart rate bouncing back up. I was so weak. In between contractions I couldn't lift my arms or even move my head. My body had gone completely limp. I needed some juice but couldn't ask for it, I was too inside myself to speak. But as soon as each contraction hit, I came to life and pushed with a strength that could only come from God. Looking back, if I hadn't taken those few bites of vanilla yogurt and those sips of cranberry juice before pushing at home, I probably would not have had the energy reserved to push my baby out all those hours later.

Eloise was crowing. I could feel - I could feel her moving down and out of me. Somebody took my hand and let me feel her thick hair. Jake said, "Wow." But she could not be born. Susan told me later that I had a very thick hymenal ring and that was why she was so stuck. I don't know how exactly Karen and I got her past this but I know it hurt. Eloise was so close! We just needed a little bit more help.

Karen: "I'm going to have to make a little cut."

Susan: "Tell her what you are going to do first!"

Karen: "Amanda, honey, I need to make a tiny little cut to help your baby come out."

Agony. I think I screamed - I'm not sure. I had read before that cutting an episiotomy while the baby is crowning provides enough pressure that the mother hardly feels it. I felt it. That tiny cut was worse than the contractions, worse than the back labor, not quite as bad as the midwives turning my baby. I pushed and tore a little further. I only needed three small stitches but it felt like my entire body was being ripped open.

It was exactly what was needed. I pushed again through the splitting pain and my daughter was born! It was like she finally slipped out - sunny-side-up, with her extra-long cord wrapped twice and a half around her little torso. "Good job, Amanda! Reach down and pick up your baby!"

My baby!

But I couldn't. I couldn't lift my arms. After more than seven hours, the pushing was finally over and I was once again completely weak and limp. I tried to open my eyes but couldn't see! I had burst so many blood vessels and my vision was double and triple and completely blurred, my eyes seemed to be swollen half shut from the effort. I blinked and blinked but I was still blind. I managed to hold my arms out and someone put my baby on my chest. She was not breathing quite yet but she was squirming around and I knew she was just fine. The nurses untangled her and rubbed her down and soon she let out a little squeak. Oh, that sound! The sweetest little voice I ever heard. Jake bent down and kissed me on the lips. Oh, that kiss! It was the sweetest kiss of my life. Our first kiss all over again but a thousand times more. I wish I had a photo of that moment but I know I will never forget it.

Susan ran to the waiting area to tell my parents and Tessa the news. Karen stitched up my torn perineum and I soaked in the sensation of Eloise on my chest. She was so perfect. I wanted to look at my baby and count her fingers and toes but I still couldn't see. I wanted to snuggle her close and kiss her little head but I still couldn't move. My first memories of my daughter are not what she looked like, but simply how she felt in my arms. I struggled to open my hospital gown and put her to my breast and a nurse saw and hurried over to help. They took off my gown and cut the thick band holding the monitor off my belly. Skin to skin at last. She wasn't interested in nursing right away so I leaned back and just relaxed with my baby on me. After a little while my parents came back just in time to see Jake hold our child for the first time. Through blurry eyes I watched my husband become Daddy, my mother become Grammy and my father Papa. That was such a special moment that will never happen again.

When we finally arrived back home a few days later I was hit with a wave of grief, for the first time, over the loss of my home birth. It was surreal - seeing the house I had circled again and again, the same tree in my front yard I had leaned on for support when contractions hit, the ball I bounced on, the stairs I climbed again and again, the couch I transitioned on and the bed I pushed in but did not give birth in. For a moment I tried to stifle the sadness but then did what I had learned to do throughout labor - I leaned into the pain. I cried a few tears and then moved on. My hospital transfer was as blessed and beautiful as I could possibly have hoped for, and I could not be more grateful for all the angels who made it so. Everything about my labor and delivery happened in God's timing and according to his plan. I am a different person now - not only am I a mother but I know I am a warrior and can endure all things through Him who gives me strength.