My life is not the average teenage life and I'm confused. I don't really like to go into detail about it because I hate being in my feelings about things I like to cover it up. I am very goofy so I tend to make my friends and family laugh a lot, on the inside though I'm broken up and wish my life would've been different. I was molested for years  by moms husband and never said anything because I was told I'd mess up the family and hurt my mom really bad so I held it in until one night I had a horrible dream that I died and went straight to hell and my mom was completely clueless to what had been going on in her home. I know this sounds bad but I promise I was not in love with that man at all that was not something I wanted ever since he first touch me i was afraid and really wanted to tell somebody but I was shame about it so I didn't tell my mom because I was afraid of what would happen and I didn't want to hurt her like he told me also my real dad was very protective of me but we didn't have the best relationship and I didn't really want to be bothered with him for other issues I also knew he would kill the man. Anyway my stepdad would do things to get me out of trouble with my mom when I was punished for something and then he would say I owe him which in other words he would have sex with me. I finally told one of my friends about it and begged him not to say anything but he did and I wasn't mad at him cause I know he really cares about me so to end that story he's in prison now (my stepdad). I thought things would get better after that but to me they got worse. I was 12 when that started with my stepdad and he was the first and I hate that everyday it crosses my mind I wish I could just forget. I had to move with my dad tell my junior year in high school for stupid decisions I made living with my mom after the whole thing but when I made 17 I left me and my dad never really got along I honestly wish it gets better because I do love my dad and I need him more than ever but he pushes me away and his wife makes it clear that she does not like me and make sure of it that me and my dad don't speak she fills his head and I hate that he actually listens. I'm 18 now and I've been with almost 13 people 😣 I hate this about me and I feel like a slut  and most of the guys are older than me like 20 or 21. This isn't all in one year though it's been through out the years going back and forth on weekends to my mom I would sneak until I was of age and now my mom pretty much gives me my freedom. So recently I ran into one of my dads old friends I met when I was about 14 and had a crush on him the first day I saw him but he never looked at me like that. Long story short we would see eacother often after I ran into him one night and I'd hug him when I see him. Last week we seen eacother again and the hug was different feelings were mutual he told me cause that same night I left with him and we talk and  we had sex 🤦🏾‍♀️. He told me that when he first saw me after all those years I had grown so much and since that night he wanted me but he didn't act on it tell last week when he knew I was crushing and he felt the same. He's the second man I been with that's 19 years older than me and if this gets out it would be really bad because I know my mom would freak out and my dad ofcourse. The first guy I was with that was that old I left alone because I was 17 and my mom was still on me. I need insight please I'm not happy with who I am and I want to change but at the same time I fall short and I give in. I hate that I'm so weak and I want to continue seeing this man. Me and him been texting since that night and he wants to take me places and see me more, he told me I'm his now and I don't know why but I like it he was like it's crazy how things happen but it's in the right time . I know how this goes already though from my first experience with the man I had left alone so much older than me so I know it stays between us . I know this isnt right and I be feeling like I shouldn't even be thinking about sex because ofmy past  situation with my stepdad especially being that the man is older then me. Boys my age are childish to me 4 of the guys I been with were closer to my age still older but acceptable and I thought It was love but they crushed me and I realized that my whole life has been hurt over and over. After that I kept trying ofcourse cause I'm that stupid I guess and now here I am settling to be with a grown a man that I know can never get out I figure that instead of getting hurt again because my heart just can't take no more that this is what it's going to be even though I know it's wrong because if this big age gap and the fact it has to be a secret. I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt me he's still the same good guy I met when I was young and being that him my dad use to be so close I know he's secure. And he's not no old old man eww I would never go that far you can tell that he's older than me but he's just so handsome and keeps himself up he looks in his late 20's and that's what attracts me  but he's 37. I really need advice please I don't care if it's harsh I need a mom cause this is something I can't share with mine.