Where do you stand on gender fluidity?

Question

I'm sure there will be plenty of haters coming at me, which is obviously why I posted this anonymously...but I'm truly struggling with this at the moment.  My 18 year old step son has recently announced that he is gender fluid.  He says that there are days he feels more like a girl, wants to be called by his female name, dress as a girl, and requests us to refer to him as a girl...  Here's my struggle.  I can't bring myself to do it.  I'm a woman, struggling desperately to get pregnant and stay that way.  I bleed every month, I've suffered multiple miscarriages... He will never experience any of that pain... How can I seriously treat him as a woman. In addition,  I've never really had an issue with transgender before...these people have chosen to make a complete life style change, some even to the point of hormone therapy, and surgical procedures...But with this whole gender fluidity thing, I seriously feel like these people are being selfish.  You don't just get to choose from day to day, or hour to hour, between being a boy or a girl... UGH. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe it's pregnancy hormones, but I just feel offended by the idea sometimes.  Out of everyone I this poor kid's family, I'm literally the only one that even tries to be supportive.  Everyone else yells at him, or shuns him, or kicks him out.  I try to be as supportive as possible, but it's so hard when inside what I really want to say to him is "until you experience a menstrual cycle, or a miscarriage, or a series of hormone injections that give you mood swings and swollen breasts, no, I will not refer to you as her..."

Answer

My daughter is 100% female,  but was born sterile.  She also will skip puberty .  Her body doesn't create the homornones necessary for breasts,  a menstrual cycle ect ..she will never expierence a miscarriage,  sore breasts , tracking her cycle and having a child.  She still will biologically be 100% woman ! When I read posts like this I get really scared for her future.  I wonder if other women will shun her bc her body doesn't do what theirs will ... on the other hand I totally get what your saying.  My brother is transgender and we constantly discuss that although he transitioned,  legally changed his name to male and identifies as male,  there are still some huge biological things that are happening that makes him female .  We joke and say he's a bit of both.  Listen to your son . Every gender fluid person , transgender person ect has a different view point and feeling .. I learn new things in a daily and it's impossible to group all people together .  He's not doing this to hurt you ,  it truly is the way he feels in his heart.  We live in a different time,  where gender lines and labels are becoming fuzzier . You have to be able to separate your personal struggle from his personal struggle..

Answer

My cousin is genderfluid and we've all supported. They chose a genderfluid name to go by and they go be they/them. It's really not that difficult. If you love them you will do whatever makes them feel comfortable and accepted. You shouldn't say that just because you are having trouble conceiving they cannot go by their wishes because they can't also have those things. If you don't support them it will bite you in the ass when they decide you're unsupportive and want nothing to do with you

Answer

I kinda understand where you are coming from. No he will never understand those things and even trans females who try to act like they struggle as a woman I kinda get annoyed with. I understand they have their own set of struggles being trans but they aren't biologically a woman. And I don't understand just being able to pick. I'm probably going to get a lot of hate for saying this but if my son came out and was a supposed strait male up until 18 with out any signs of being gay or having a hormone imbalance, because I do believe they both go hand in hand (you can tell most of the time) I would think it's a phase. Yes I would try to support because I don't want to offend if I know the situation, but don't get offended if I call you a male because yesterday you looked like a male. A huge part of connecting with people as humans, is gender and I think we all get confused when someone is 'inbetween'. And yes you could say well why not just accept that a person can be "both" then.  And I am trying. I love drag queens. Which is weird. I can accept that, but can't understand why all these teenagers are randomly starting to come out as trans or gender fluid with out it being apparent in early childhood. I would suggest them getting therapy and look to see if they have hormone issues. Which may sound harsh but I would hate for my kid to go through that irreversible change and regret it. I guess all you can do is support. Even if you disagree. Like agreeing to disagree. I know I'm on the fence about all this gender is on a spectrum stuff. But then again I've never struggled like that. I'm sure I sound nuts but I'm trying to sort out my own feelings about it and keep an open mind but still be logical about it. Sorry if I'm making no sense, I'm feeding my 6 week old and it's 1:30 am lol

Answer

I think the confusion with gender fluidity lies in the emotional identity and physical. Whereas your son might not ever go through the physical part there could very well still be a more female emotional part within. There are plenty of men and women who can or cannot do what their bodies are "designed" to do but we don't tell these people they are less men or women. What I will say is that shunning and casting him out will only do serious damage. The LGBTQIA community is the second highest for suicide, after the Native American community, and the fastest growing homeless population. Regardless of whether you and the rest of the family agree, let him/her be himself/herself. It's not up to you to decide.

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I don't believe your feelings are isolated. A man who feels fluid or transgendered challenges the ideas of feminism and sexism. I think it's more important to react, respond and communicate with empathy & compassion.

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Personally, I think from time to time a,lot of folks feel like they identify with the opposite gender...but I am with you, I think it's a scheme to one day want to be referred to as this and the next that and then get offended. I think people think it's a joke and the "cool thing to do" every one just needs to do us on,being a human and not worry so much abouyt a label.

Answer

It would be a huge adjustment for me if my son told me this when he is a teenager but it's his life and he has to live it. Imagine how confused and heartbroken he is that his own family yells, shuns, and kicks him out. He's obviously not doing it just to do it or for attention or anything like that. I don't know many people that would willingly choose to go through this. I'm a teacher at a Catholic school and we have a little boy who prefers to play with dolls, sneaks in lipstick (even though no boys or girls are allowed it), he drew hearts all over his backpack and you could tell someone tried desperately to wipe them off. I had him in 2nd and he wanted to get the prettiest costume at Halloween...dressed as Yoshi. He was little enough that I don't think he entirely realized he was acting differently than the other boys but I will tell you every teacher he has had since Kinder will tell you we think he will come out in some way one day. We love him anyway. He's just him. There are biological women who never get their period and women who never want children and don't experience the things you have but it doesn't  make them less of a woman. He needs to realize you need to adjust to all of this but him just being aware you're trying will be a huge relief to him.