Sex & Relationships
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Long read - husband disrespected me
My husband and I have been ttc for 3 months. This is month 4 and I'm about to ovulate. My husband has an addiction to chew. It's not an everyday thing - at least to my knowledge. It's always very obvious when he has been chewing. He doesn't cover it well. His chewing has caused pretty much all of the problems in our relationship. He had been quite good with it lately and hadn't chewed. He chewed Wednesday night and I was livid. A) because he chewed and he knows I hate it and B) because we're coming up on ttc time and I've read it causes abnormalities in sperm which can lead to problems. He doesn't think it's a big deal but I do and don't want to take the chance. I told him to jack off Thursday night to get them out of his system - I didn't want them anywhere near me. (Though it probably doesn't work like that.) he told me we'd be fine by Saturday (today), which is two days before ovulation - my Dr said to have sex two days before ovulation, on day of ovulation, and 2 days after ovulation. He told me he wouldn't chew or drink much - I had asked that because not only is it easier to get pregnant if not doing that, but also because they can effect the sperm. So, all was fine and back to normal and had planned on having sex today. We went to the horse races last night with his cousins. My husband had a few beers and I pulled him aside and reminded him not to drink heavily. He said yep, it was his last one. We got home and I was pooped so I went to bed around 9:15. I woke up around 4 am and noticed my husband was not in bed next to me. That is typically a tell-tale sign that he chewed and fell asleep on the couch in the basement. I went downstairs and sure enough, I see an also tell-tale vitamin water bottle, go over and smell it, and sure enough, chew/spit in it. I. WENT. APESHIT. I have never felt so disrespected, confused and hurt. I told him we were done, that that was it. I couldn't believe what was happening. He told me it wasn't a big deal. 😡 This incident has taken the chewing and the disrespect i feel when he does it to a whole new level. He couldn't wait a week to chew again for the sake of our baby? I have so little respect for him now and a sincere lack of trust. I went upstairs and got back in bed and he followed me. He stood in the doorway saying my name. I told him we were done, and to get out (of the room). I decided I needed to get away, so I grabbed my purse and keys and headed for the door. He was standing there and was saying my name again, and saying I didn't have to go. I went. I drove around for an hour (4-5 in the morning) thinking about what had just happened. He texted me about 15 minutes after I left asking where I went. I didn't text back. I came home a bit after 5 and my husband was still in the basement. I was expecting him to come and talk to me when I got home but that didn't happen. Today, I've been expecting him to come and talk to me, apologize, etc, but that hasn't happened. He finally emerged from the basement not long ago (it's after 3 in the afternoon). He told me he was going to run some errands. I told him I was shocked he hadn't said anything to me. He said he's too ashamed to talk. So, yeah, that's where we are... Am I overreacting? What should I do?
UPDATE Sunday afternoon: My husband came home last night from running errands and said he did a lot of thinking about life and that he is throwing away everything he has. I told him I lost trust in him over all the times this has happened and this time took it to another level. He told me he would get my trust back, he just didn't know how. He said he loves me so much and knows he hurt me. He had written me a text shortly after he left for errands saying this was the worst he's felt in his whole life, that he felt about 2 inches tall, didn't want anyone to look at him and he was so sorry.
Well, I woke up this morning to find my husband unresponsive (again, he slept in the basement which is always a telltale sign he's been chewing and drinking). After unsuccessfully trying to get him to wake up for 5 minutes, I called 911. Paramedics came to check him out. He eventually came to. He was severely intoxicated.
We talked this afternoon about how to move forward. I told him that if he wouldn't get help for his addictions, I would not be able to stay with him. He admitted he has a problem with chewing and drinking and is very depressed. He said he knows he needs help and is willing to get it. He said he does not want to lose me. I asked him why he is depressed and he said he doesn't know. And no, it isn't because of me you terrible bitches who are saying it's me. And yes, he said that and is honest with me about any issues he has with me. His biggest problem with me is that I never bring the cups on my nightstand to the kitchen. I hope you never have to go through the pain of substance abuse. It's an addiction and yes, it has caused problems in our marriage. Am I perfect? No. I get frustrated because Of the disrespect I feel when my husband does this. I am looking forward to him getting the help he needs to hopefully overcome his problem. He has tried on his own several times but to no luck. He needs professional help.
Celina, you are a doll. Thank god someone on here has a head on their shoulders. I just shake my head at some of these comments. I feel bad for these people. Substance abuse is not a joke.
Update 2: I will no longer be checking this post. It is too troubling reading these very negative messages. I actually will not be using this app anymore. I'm sorry that some of you seem to come on here to bring other women down, make them feel worse for a situation they're in, make them feel like it's their fault, call them "insane," "crazy," "psycho." (And that you'd drink everyday if you were married to me, thank god everyday your husband smokes instead of shoots up (?!?!??) etc etc etc.) So sad! To you I say, grow up and look inside yourself. There is a quote that goes "What others say about you says more about them than you." And the vast majority of you fall into that sad category of projecting your inadequacies and fears and disappointments onto others to try to bring others down to make yourselves feel better about whatever. I can see through it and that is why I'm not checking this post or this app anymore. They're just such pathetic posts - there are so many weird responses. I feel bad for you and my thoughts are with you. This is like mean high school girls.
For those of you who chose to respond from a place of love and understanding, thank you. I apppreciate it. You are strong, respectable women. I wrote my original post looking for this type of advice and feedback. Whether you agree with me or not, thank you for your kind responses.
I am a 35 year old woman for those of you who asked. I have a wonderful life, a good education, a six-figure job, a house, a wonderful family, wonderful friends, and yes, a wonderful husband who I love. Like all of you and all of your husbands, boyfriends, baby daddy or whatever your situation, we all have our issues. My husband's is chew and alcohol. It doesn't make me love him less, but it is getting in the way of a healthy relationship. If you choose to respond to that admission with hate, that is on you. Obviously you don't know my whole story - the original post is a glimpse into an ongoing problem with my husband. I believe in him, and have given him support throughout his struggles. And he has given me the same support through mine. And I will continue to support him.