Was I Wrong?
So, last year, around June, maybe the end of May perhaps, I matched with a guy on tinder. He's an avid explorer and has hiked all over the US. Anyway, we meet up for drinks in the downtown area and enjoy some whiskey by the water near the marina. We're talking and having real, deep, intelligent conversation and I'm enjoying myself. After a while we decide to play pool, or rather him teach me how to play, and continue our night. It's been almost 8 years since I've been on a date, and I'm having an absolute blast! Despite me assuring him I could buy my own drinks he buys them for me anyway, he's complimenting on how beautiful and sexy I look, and he's making sure that if there's a chance he can touch me or hold me close he'll take it.
I couldn't believe how much chemistry we had on just the first date! Well, after our five hour adventure around the downtown bar scene I offer to drive him home, since he lived only a few miles away and actually walked downtown. We get back to his place and start making out, and end up having sex in the back of my car!
Flash forward a bit and we've been dating for three to four weeks before I'm out of state to attend my cousin's wedding. While I'm there my guy and I talk almost every day.
One night though, as I had a small buzz going, I decided I'd ask him if we were together; as in exclusive to only each other. He then went on to explain that I've been the first person he's connected with in a long time and he really likes me. However he then gives me the "but". He would really love it if I was his girlfriend, BUT, he still wants to travel around the states and explore new places.
I, personally, took it as him basically saying that as much as he likes me if he were to meet a chick on his travels he doesn't want to have someone back home preventing him from being able to fuck whomever he wants. Needless to say this put a damper on my impression of our relationship. I come home and we hang out a few more times before I start to distance myself from him and then altogether stop talking to him.
Mind you, I can't even count how many times I cried myself to sleep, couldn't sleep, and hated myself for it. I mean at one point he brought it up that he noticed I wasn't as close to him anymore. I told him that because of my untreated depression it wasn't fair to him if I were to eventually, not intentionally, use him as a punching bag, and so I didn't think it was wise that we continue seeing each other because I truly didn't want to hurt him.
He tells me he doesn't mind because he really likes me and he'll even "give me reasons to use him as a punching bag on my off days." After that I talk to him less and less and by the end of August we don't talk anymore.
I've been burned in relationships before, and from a young age have had serious trust issues. So, when he came into my life I instantly felt so comfortable with him and cared a hell of a lot for him too. Then to have him say he wanted me to be his girlfriend but also wanted to continue travelling hurt me so badly in a way I can't even find the words for. Here I thought I maybe was going to have a relationship, a real one, with someone I just connected with so well only to have it crushed.
I don't know if I made a mistake because there are things about him that I don't like. He smokes, and I'm asthmatic, smokes weed, which doesn't bother me other than the smoke, and at the time he didn't have any goals other than to travel. Now, though, and since I stopped contact, I think about him all the time and it physically pains me because I feel like I let someone so great go because I was afraid of being in an actual relationship because my depression, anxiety, and trust issues prevented me.
I so badly want to reconnect with him but now he lives four hours away and I don't know if he's even interested in talking to me.
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