That moment when (vent) 😕

That moment when you're not sure that your marriage to your best friend is going to work, so you might be a single first time mom in 5 months. And if divorce happens, neither of us can afford the house/cars/debt/childcare/pets alone, but the house is in no shape to sell, and I make too much for any type of assistance. And the friends I thought I had are all busy making plans together, and the friends who are around, are not good friends. I'm always the friend that gets called when someone needs something, but never the friend who is invited or has an invite accepted. And I'm becoming a recluse because as much as I want to be social and spend time with people, I'm just too hurt to keep putting myself out there.

Maybe it's just hormones, maybe I'm just not good enough for good relationships, maybe no one wants to hang out with the obese, not really pretty, pregnant girl. Maybe feeling lonely is a defense mechanism. Maybe I'm just bad at finding quality relationships because I try to see the good in everyone. Maybe I'm just too socially awkward.

I know I should be over the moon excited for this very wanted baby. Not everyone is as blessed to have made it as far in pregnancy as I am. But for right now, I just feel sad, scared, and lonely.

I'm not expecting sympathy or pitty. I'm just hoping that putting these feelings into words and putting them out there helps me get past this.