Hurt from porn addiction
I am 20, my husband 21, married since October 2016. I just discovered a week ago that he has been addicted to porn since his early teen years. I found it on his phone, and when I confronted him about it, he admitted everything and said he was sorry for doing it and sorry that I had to find that. I've known him since he was 13, and I had absolutely no idea. My self esteem has always been something I struggle with, and that absolutely killed whatever little I had left. I've always felt that I do not match what I've gathered my husband views as attractive (I've talked about this in a previous post), and this confirmed it.
I had finally gotten to where i felt pretty confident and comfortable having sex with him (we waited til marriage). Even so, he hadn't tried to or shown any desire to actually "see me" in months. Never take my shirt off. Just the "necessary" clothes. Yet, he wanted to google specific other girls topless! We're past all the not-speaking, explaining our feelings, me crying...I'm not even going to go into all that. I believe he is genuinely sorry, he wrote me a long letter explaining how he has struggled with porn, how he loves me and I'm his everything and he feels so horrible and ashamed for hurting me like that. I am not holding a grudge, I forgive him. But I can't bring myself to want to be touched. I feel so self conscious and sad. I realize I can't expect him to quit porn and not have any other sexual release, so I'm still jerking him off or giving him oral anytime he seems to want sex. I love him, and I still have a desire for sex, but I feel too self conscious and ashamed for him to touch me or undress me. Have any of you struggled with this situation? How did/do you deal with it?
He's promised to stop. He says he can't bear hurting me like that.
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