Ladiess, I want to hear your opinions. Please help me out
I am sorry in advance. This is long. But I really have no one to talk to about this matter at this moment and I want your opinions and support.
Last year, my very first lover of almost 9mo in relationship broke up with me because we were about to go separate ways (me to grad school in the US and him planning to go back to work at his home country). And he also gave other reasons that I was not a good fit for his style and family because I wasn't able to make fun of myself. I wanted to believe that we can find our ways and make it through but he does not seem to want to work for it and said he doesn't believe in long distance relationship (could be that his last relationship was ended because of that). It was very painful moment to me since he is my first love, first kiss, first sex, and everything related being in relationship. That time he tried his best to deny getting back with me. The more I beg him to come back, the less of a person I felt. I was desperate since I was so in love with him and did not know what to do. It made me question my worth the more he ignored my calls and texts. Then another guy who was my good friend wanted to be in relationship with me. I was very hesitant because I was still hurt and I need time to get back to myself. I was very vulnerable. But this guy tried really hard to get my attention and cheer me up and forcefully get me into being his gf in that first month of the breakup. I was selfless and weak and did not know what to do so I just entered the relationship hoping that I will grow to like him more as our relationship progress. Then 2mo laters, my first love appeared at the school I'm working at again and he appears to be working in the same department as I am. I cried the moment I saw him because I missed him so much but I could not even hug him because that will be wrong for my new bf. Then as time goes by, we see each other at the work place every so often, the good memories strike me like a truck. I and my first love talked few times about why he ended our relationship and why he treated me in such cold manner. He said he did not know what to do he is clueless on how to act after breakup and he thought he would come back here to be with me again but he sees I already moved on so he has to act cold towards me so that he sets a clear boundary. In my heart, deep down I know I have not really moved on but I was just very weak to stand up on my own after my first painful breakup. Being in such situation where a guy who I really want to be with is around me but I cannot be with him because I have already entered a new relationship with someone who healed me is such a heartache. My first love treats me now like a close friend and lots of swearing words because that is how he talks to his friends. He did not swear a lot in front of me while we were dating. I don't personally get attracted to guys who swears a lot in front of ladies but I think he just watches his boundary. He planned to go to grad school as well but he chose different school which is in different states. As time goes by, I tried my best to give my full attention to my new bf. We do have our problems but he always tries his best to make it end and say 'we will be ok alright?'. He is not intelligent in problem solving and hypersensitive (like he would cry whenever I confront him of his wrongdoing). I know he is very nice guy to me and such but he did cheated on me (both flirtatious conversations with his lady friends and was being on Tinder when we are together). Also he has been seeing his ex while telling me that she is his bestfriend all along until I found out 7mo in relationship. Every time i confront him, he gives explanations where he puts himself in an innocent person role who has no intention to cheat on me and blamed it all on his past relationship that gave him low self-esteeem. It was way too many times that I could no longer give him another chance so I decided to breakup with him. Now I am happily single and have much more time to take good care of myself.
Here comes the part where I want to hear your opinions. my first love and I are still working at the same place. We talk to each other occasionally. We sometimes go grab snacks or lunch together. He seems to be interested to hear about my life from time to time. Last time we were talking about an event that I will go alone since my girl friend cannot go with me. He asked "what about your bf?" So I said "That was the first plan but we are not together anymore". He didn't make any comment but we continued on our work silently. I always have hopes that we can be back together and start it again because the other time we talked when I was in my second relationship he said he still have feelings for me. And sure I do still love him. But I do not want to be too needy or forcefully rush him to be back with me again. I tried my best not to text him if it is not about work. I am trying my best to not fall into that vulnerable moment again where I despararately need someone. I live alone in a foreign country (I'm not from the US and my close friends and family are on the opposite side of the earth). I believe that if I am happy with myself and proud of my independency someone who sees my value will come and join my life journey. Of course I pray to God that person would be my first love. But I really do not know what he is thinking and it is safer to not assume anything at this point to let my heart be at the right place. Now it is about 1 and a half months left that I'm going to work here with him. After that I have to move to another state to pursue my PhD and he will start his grad school pursuing his PhD in another state. I know it is a very low chance that I can convince him to go to the same school as I will. (He actually got into the same school as I do but he declined that offer because his family is closer there). And I want to let him choose his life choice that will make him happy. However, it is a bittersweet feelings that I probably will never get to see him again. If he comes to me and want to start a mature relationship with me I would be more than happiest. But at this point, I really cannot do anything to let him know that feel, can I ? 😢