broken
I was seeing someone for two years. we did everything together, shared everything together, he was my best friend. he was also very mentally abusive to me. Mind you, he is 33 and I'm 24. He made me feel so small. Constant accusations about me being with other guys. name-calling, isolation, gaslighting, invalidating, manipulation, lying, cheating. All of it. He would never put a label on our relationship, or tell anyone about us. but I was to be loyal to him (I was), and he claimed to be committed to me (he wasn't). This is so hard for me because I've seen how big his heart is toward his family, friends, animals, and even me. I don't know what to believe. I've seen how kind he can be, he tells me that the way I view him is an overexaggeration, that nothing was as bad as I make it seem. I feel like I'm crazy and that the way he treated me was my fault.
He left me four months ago, after Valentine's Day when I drove 10 hours to surprise him and give him a gift. He said he just didn't love me enough. I was going to be moving closer to him, so he stayed in contact and made suggestions that we see each other to try "dating" again. So I moved, I was excited to see him, he was avoiding me, and I found out he started seeing someone. I've been completely broken. For two years I tried to prove that I was worth something to him, and got no love or respect in return. He met her 10 days ago, and is already treating her the opposite of how he treated me. He made it a point to tell me that he did not love me, he was only with me because he was lonely and didn't want to hurt my feelings, that he never wanted a relationship with me but was stuck in a bad situation, and I loved him so much that it was "easy" for him.
and then he accidentally sent me a video that he made for his girlfriend, filming the spot where him and "his baby" "made memories" last night that he "can't stop thinking about."
I truly don't want to be alive anymore. I have been in abusive relationships since I was 13 years old, my heart has been broken non-stop, I have no idea who I am or what's wrong with me to keep ending up in these situations. I'm a really smart person and I don't know why relationships are the one thing that I can't be smart about. I feel irreparable. I don't know how to fix myself or my heart. and nothing is making me feel any better.
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