Dear Ex
You blamed me for not trying to be open and forthcoming with you. You blamed me for pushing you away and shutting you out of my life, but you poked and prodded at the very things that made me shift people out. I loved you. I did, but it was so easy to fall out of love with you. You made it that way as you pushed me to do things I didn't want to do, but I did anyway because I didn't want you to leave again. I wanted to show you that I was trying even though I was slowly sinking under the surface of that dark hole again.
That's why I never told you. You held my hand when I was crying my eyes out, but you quickly argued with me over trivial things like sexual stuff, and you kept pushing for it. I wasn't ready for that stuff, and I didn't want to admit that I wasn't sexually attracted to you anymore. You turned me off because you pushed so much. I stupidly thought that I was just going through a phase.
I constantly lied to myself to make it better. I blamed myself for your unhappiness. I cried so many times in my room alone in the dark, so no one would say anything to me, but I slipped sometimes. You'll never understand how hard it is to lie to the people who care about you...
The messed up part is you don't even care becaus you never even realized it. You stopped having time for me. For a relationship. You stopped trying and blamed me for it. I let you take all the fight out of me. I let you drown me over and over again just because I couldn't let you go. Then you finally decided I wasn't worth the effort anymore. You told me it wasn't working and that I shouldn't ever let you feel like you can just walk away.
Well I did, and I'm not going back again. I can't take the drowning anymore.
Sincerely,
The girl who's still coughing up water...
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