rp: new issues idk how to get over it
So after the whole experience where i felt like i was raped but knew i fully consented ive been feeling absolutely disgusted with myself. Id feel disgusting with even thinking about touching myself & have flashbacks of the night & blacking out while having sex. It was bad. I knew i wanted to see my friend i lost my virginity to, he was my fwb but we havent had sex in 5 months. I wanted to hear his voice i wanted him to tell me how strong i was & reassure me. He recently moved to a city next to ours so i don't see him every week like i used to. Next month hes going on a month trip to hawaii & then is moving back home & i wont see him maybe ever again.
I got to see him this past monday. It was great just like old times. We slept together & i stayed the night. It was great im so glad that i was able to have my first time having sex again to be with someone that im so comfortable with & trust. But at the same time it has REALLY fucked me up in the head. Those hours we had sex were like a mix of our first time & when we were at our peak with eachother. The way he spoke to me "baby are you ok, are you ok baby, baby were not done" to sexy (tmi) "hold your ass, ride that dick baby" & just back & forth the entire time. It all really fucked with my head & the fact that i know he is leaving is really bothering me & i don't really know how to deal with it i want to cry that im losing a friend (& yes just a friend besides the fact that our sex life together was & is exclusive) but at the same time im losing all the things he represents & provides for me besides the sex & friendship but the reassurance trust & security he gives me anytime i do something stupid (like my rape issue) or am going through a lot. we can relate on so many levels but because of it we could never be together it gets super toxic & bad when we get too invested emotionally together
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