I'm sorry this is long but I wanna get if off my chest.

So last year I went thru two MCs. Lost my first at 9wks Jan 1st then had an ectopic at 6wks June 6th. Both were terrible moments in my life. I already have an almost 3 yr old from a previous relationship. My current bf and I weren't TTC at first, both were accidental but we had no intent of ending either one. We didn't care for protection because we loved the thought of a growing family. But when we lost both we went thru a hard time in our relationship. He didn't know how to handle my emotions and I didn't know how to explain how much it hurt. Still hurts. I told him after the 2nd that I wanted to use protection. I didn't wanna go thru it anymore. So for a couple months we did that. Refused to entertain the idea of having kids because it hurt my chest. And negative thoughts would sink in. I was depressed. My bfs sisters believe that its my fault that we can't have kids. One even said that while drunk! That I "Couldn't really have kids". Its angered me. And deeply hurt me that she thought that way. Like my son never existed to them.

With that thought in mind I looked over my thoughts n feelings and asked myself "do I wanna try again?" After talking to my bf, we agreed to try. I bought an ovulation kit for one month to get a basis of when I'd ovulate. Checked cm every day. Stayed laying down after sex. Took vitamins for 3 months and everything. But lack of sex was always there. I'd done research on sperm and tried talking with bf about it. But he'd just say "I am trying!" And be mad at me for saying he wasn't. Told him he needs a constant sex life to keep sperm life healthy. We've been 'trying' for almost 8 months and still nothing. I'm so upset. My son was planned and we were only trying for two months back then before I got a bfp. I can't seem to get him to understand that with each passing month how depressed I'm getting because I believe his sisters are right. That I am barren or infertile. I've tried being active more. I try to get him to slow down on smoking cigarettes and drinking but that doesn't work. (He's not an alcoholic but after work he does have a few before bed.) I guess its to that point where I'm done trying. I'm gonna start buying condoms instead of opks, pregnancy tests, and delete all <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android">fertility apps</a>.

I'm done.

They win. 😟